Hey gang! Ready to have some naughty fun with verbal misinterpretation?
Naughty fun, you say? Is this going to get me laid?
Aye! If you plan on courting a lady as fond of lexical shenanigans as we!
So, no then.
Don't be so sure! This one is naughty and certainly snigger-worthy. Maybe you can bring it up as a conversation starter at the Christmas party?
**scoff** yeah, got me some lexical misdirection. Bitches love lexical misdirection.
Indeed they do, my friend! Context is everything with this one. If a colleague asks you for a rubber during a quarterly financial meeting, then he's made a mistake in his pencil calculations. If a colleague asks you for a rubber at the Christmas party, then he's about to make a mistake in the stationery cupboard with Deborah the office bike. Bahahaha!!
I'm not even addicted to my straighteners, it just pisses me off when I've lugged them across the world as part of my weight limit and they give up within one minute of plugging them in. I maimed my first pair of GHDs in New York years ago - after a feeble attempt at heating up they gave up completely for the rest of the holiday. But at least they were playing ball when I got back to the UK. That could not be said for my next occurrence of GHD abuse in Cali when they actually died and I had to send them to be fixed when I got back to the UK. You CAN do it yourself (I've checked the ol' youtube for tutorials) but its apparently quite hard to work out whats wrong with the fickle little thing, so it was easier and quicker to send it off to some nice chaps in the UK.
Roll on 2 years and my lovely sister-in-law uses them again on her super-thick locks. They surrendered halfway through, after a valiant effort, so we sent them off (to the UK, because apparently this service isn't offered in the US??) again. Those little war-wounded warriors are trundling along fine now, but one of their comrades fell in SF a couple of weeks ago. They have recovered in the UK, but it did mean that they basically got a free vacation in the US and were absolutely no bloody use whatsoever.
So - to the travel warning. If you are bringing GHDs from the UK to the US bring a travel adapter that allows you to mess with the voltage. Too many GHDs have been lost in the pursuit of straight holiday hair.
So with my liberal sprinkling of f-bombs and poop jokes it will have become apparent that I occupy the most regal of positions in the comedy feudal system, which is why I feel I am qualified to pass judgment on those who attempt to lob gags over the battlements of my comedy castle. One must always be poised to receive the pointy end of a double entendre (see what I did there?) - I genuinely (and potentially mistakenly) believe it is a sign of intelligence. Double entendre is all about context. When Sid offered Babs a sausage from the BBQ it was pretty clear to the 12 year old me that he was suggesting something a bit ruder. (I say 12. It may have been younger. Don't judge me for watching sexy comedies in my formative years. Us Brits are weened on such shenanigans). And I have been told on a couple of occasions that my guffaws are unwelcome because the snigger-worthy misinterpretation is taken entirely out of context. Why would you think that my exclamation that I love sausage could mean anything sinister when we are at a sausage-tasting evening in the Sausageville Sausage Factory. Simpleton. But, it is my belief that being able to take something out of context AND in context is a sign of higher intelligence. I'm experiencing life on multiple levels, bitches!
And I know many of the peasants in this here colony are with me. As an example lets look at THE BEST ADVERT in the history of all things.
I appreciate that this can entirely be interpreted with a straight face. All these lovely people are very happy that they can now have items sent directly to them. The message is clear. But, there is no doubt whatsoever that the company responsible are fully aware of the hilarity that ensues when you slightly mishear the statement "I just shipped my bed". This simple misdirection makes you giggle, because, goodness, did he just say what I thought he said? No! Of course not - but wouldn't it be silly if he did! At worst you remember the message in the advert because you misheard and thought they were being dirty buggers - remembering a clear message is the most basic of goals for an ad. At best you and KMART form a naughty, unspoken bond through your tv where they mentally give you a wink and a chuckle and you mentally wink back, whispering, "tee hee, we're both on the same page, are we". And, if we're on the same page, then you won't try and screw me over with fake-ass Black Friday deals or a shoddy returns policy. Wink.
So, with this in mind what the fuck-a-doodle-dandy were Pillsbury thinking when they got their little podgy mascot to claim "here's something fun to do with hotdogs!" And its not sentiment, which, packaged differently, would be perfectly innocuous, its the actual words used. They could have said "Looking for a fun treat for the kids?" or "Bored of hotdogs? Here's a fun twist!" But the actual statement sounds like something one might say after a solid fortnight of eating hotdogs cut into the shape of farm animals or threaded with spaghetti - "Here's something fun to do with hotdogs! Shove them up your arse!".
If this IS meant to be taken out of context then we are imagining a tiny dough-y BOY doing something pervy with hotdogs. Um, no. Which means that it is an in-context-only situation, which shows an incredible lack of awareness, and demonstrates that Pillsbury are very much not on my level. We shared no knowing winks, we are not on the same wavelength. Sorry, Pillsbury, I won't be rushing out to buy your merchandise, and, I fear, you won't give a crap because I clearly fall well outside of your target demographic.
The same can be said for the lovely infomercial I just watched for a recipe book of "Dump cakes". Pardon? You mean to say that completely straight-faced you are offering me a dump cake? A cake of dump? Wow. I guess there is a chance that a 'dump' is not a slang term that Americans will understand. If that be the case, I stand corrected on this one, although I do want to be in the meeting where they try and sell the book to Waterstones in the UK. Epic.
Tis the season and whatnot. But seriously - pumpkin spice is a national obsession that I am completely over. I have two issues.
1. Pumpkin spice is not an actual flavor. For the uninitiated it seems to be the flavoring that people traditionally put with pumpkin to make a pumpkin pie more palatable than mildly sweet, squidgy slop. The flavor is a combination of cinnamon and nutmeg, and possibly a bit of ginger and cloves, if you're feeling fancy. Cloves are sent from the seventh circle of hell to ruin christmas, so I'm already not on board with this nonsense. But, lets call it what it is - christmas spices. Calling it pumpkin spice is like calling Salt & Vinegar crisps 'Chip spiced'. Nope.
2. If everyone jumps on the bandwagon this shit gets real old real quick. Lest we forget the lament of the one hit wonder. With that in mind, lets explore some of the most and least appropriate pumpkin-spiced shit that one can buy:
Peanut butter:
Margarine:
Oreos: I'm not a fan of birthday cake oreos - a couple of dunks in a cup of coffee and you got a serious case of the diabeetus.
Johnnies: Really? Classy. I can imagine thats one hell of a conversation started and a passion killer. "Hey baby, you like pumpkin-spiced lattes? Well, fancy coming back to my place to wrap your lips around this?" Nope.
Pop tarts: standard
Philadelphia: Its cheese, guys.
M&Ms: Clove flavoured chocolate. Gross.
Porridge: Come on, guys, you can actually put actual spices into your actual porridge oats.
Waffles: I'm a sucker for a nice waffle. This does not sound like a nice waffle.
To be honest I'm a bit out of the loop on travel gadge. Its been a while since I had to trudge across the globe cattle class and get up for a meeting the next day, or drive 5 hours for an evening presentation and then turn around and come straight back stopping, briefly, in a Welcome Break car park for a power nap. So, I'm a bit gutted that this little beaut didn't exist when I was still doing a shit ton of miles in a plethora of Vauxhall Astras. In fairness, PDAs were still a thing back then, with iPhones a mere glint of billions of dollars in Monsieur Jobs' eyes. Still, I'm glad it exists to give even the lowliest of Marketing Executives a bit of Facebook respite while they eat their Burger King Chicken Royale on the M3 at 10 o'clock at night.
Having just experienced the ol' Scottish referendum back in blighty I've been asking about the voting rights over here in Cali. Well, it turns out that asking the people to vote on decisions is rather popular out here. Sure, citizens get to vote people into power, but locally we also get to suggest stuff and have all our fellow Californian Raisins vote on it too. For example, Proposition 41, which was voted on over the summer, is designed to support veterans through better housing provision. It kinda defeats the object of having voted representatives into power if you're going to let every pleb make a proposition and ask everyone else to vote on it, but it does feel like a more transparent way to manage the state. I appreciate the drawbacks (there are often lots of propositions on the ballot paper, and its hard enough to get people to vote normally, let alone when they've got to read a shit-ton of extra blurb, aside from the fact that people are dumb, so giving them the opportunity to make decisions that affect us all when you KNOW they haven't actually researched each proposition before ticking the box. I would imagine the winner is whoever uses the most puppies and sad orphans in their tv advertising campaigns. I've also been told that sometime propositions can contradict each other, so voting for both effectively means they cancel each other out), and if the voters believe they are getting a say in all the important governance details then they won't be too hot on picking up the bigger, shadier deals going on, but the 'matrix management' style feels quite nice - like the local political leaders actually respect the opinions of the local population and trust us to make well-informed and intelligent decisions. Thats a very naive idea, but making your plebs feel important is a smart move if you want to be reelected.
If you're interested, here is a summary of the current propositions on the ballot paper (its very interesting to actually read the details, especially once you've been bombarded with the tv adverts for a couple of weeks. I've got sad orphans and deprived puppies coming out of my arse, and I'm still none-the-wiser which way I should vote. If I could vote. Wait...I can't vote? Why the hell am I wasting my time with this shit. Days of our Lives is on.)
I've already had a bit of a winge about the old credit card situation over here. Selling me a prepaid debit card as 'a low risk credit card with no fees!' was pretty transparent. But, we played along and it actually didn't take too long to build enough of a credit reputation in the US in order to be trusted with a grown up credit card. If you're in the same situation, do it - its hard for a Brit to swallow their pride when faced with an American bank teller scoffing at your excellent UK credit rating, but its totally worth it.
So, onto the next question - where should I put my money to get the best interest rates? The answer: anywhere outside the US. I'm thinking of throwing my money off the top of the Coit Tower - I'm pretty sure I'll get a better return than any of the banking options.
There are no accounts that offer more than 1.03% interest on savings. Which is LAUGHABLE. And, again, not something that we're used to. But I think the system for managing your money in the US is very different. Salaries are generally paid fortnightly, people seem to use rewards-based credit cards for everything and investment is something for the average Joe. I'm not sure whether its the influence of capitalism on us plebs, but everyone seems to have stock options (it makes so much more sense that the smart phones all come with a stocks app now!)
Its a bit daunting, especially for a risk-averse Brit, but the american approach is different. Take big risks, get big wins. You will, obviously, run the risk of a financial loss, but this is the nation built on immigrants who took a risk on a better life in a remote new land, and thats panned out quite well for them in the long run.
There are even ways that you can introduce yourself slowly to this with apps like Acorn, which rounds up your credit card bill to the nearest dollar every time you use it and invests your spare change. It seems like a pretty smart idea, and an easy way to see that smart investment is definitely the way to earn the sort of 'free money' that we see in the UK in the form of interest. The big difference is that the investment choices are in our hands, rather than the banks, which, for a Brit that innately trusts the Bank Manager, the Doctor and the Insurance man to make our decisions for us, is a LOT of responsibility. Its cool - I'm getting used to all this responsibility. I'll be administering my own injections and undertaking my own smear tests from now on. I look forward to claiming the costs back from my insurance company for that.
