From little acorns massive debts do accrue

I've already had a bit of a winge about the old credit card situation over here. Selling me a prepaid debit card as 'a low risk credit card with no fees!' was pretty transparent. But, we played along and it actually didn't take too long to build enough of a credit reputation in the US in order to be trusted with a grown up credit card. If you're in the same situation, do it - its hard for a Brit to swallow their pride when faced with an American bank teller scoffing at your excellent UK credit rating, but its totally worth it.

So, onto the next question - where should I put my money to get the best interest rates? The answer: anywhere outside the US. I'm thinking of throwing my money off the top of the Coit Tower - I'm pretty sure I'll get a better return than any of the banking options.

There are no accounts that offer more than 1.03% interest on savings. Which is LAUGHABLE. And, again, not something that we're used to. But I think the system for managing your money in the US is very different. Salaries are generally paid fortnightly, people seem to use rewards-based credit cards for everything and investment is something for the average Joe. I'm not sure whether its the influence of capitalism on us plebs, but everyone seems to have stock options (it makes so much more sense that the smart phones all come with a stocks app now!)

Its a bit daunting, especially for a risk-averse Brit, but the american approach is different. Take big risks, get big wins. You will, obviously, run the risk of a financial loss, but this is the nation built on immigrants who took a risk on a better life in a remote new land, and thats panned out quite well for them in the long run.

There are even ways that you can introduce yourself slowly to this with apps like Acorn, which rounds up your credit card bill to the nearest dollar every time you use it and invests your spare change. It seems like a pretty smart idea, and an easy way to see that smart investment is definitely the way to earn the sort of 'free money' that we see in the UK in the form of interest. The big difference is that the investment choices are in our hands, rather than the banks, which, for a Brit that innately trusts the Bank Manager, the Doctor and the Insurance man to make our decisions for us, is a LOT of responsibility. Its cool - I'm getting used to all this responsibility. I'll be administering my own injections and undertaking my own smear tests from now on. I look forward to claiming the costs back from my insurance company for that.

Cheesecake, cheesecake, its the cheesecake shuffle...*

Its true - you do need a car in the US. Public transport is OK, but its just not comparable to the awesomeness of London, so, having decided on a car and strolled into the showroom to discuss payment options ("maybe these kindly souls will look upon a poor Brit and give her credit or a loan? Poor Limey's a-cold"**) only to be told that before we drive the car off the forecourt we need insurance.

Fair enough. Makes sense. Why should Ford supply us with insurance - as soon as the car leaves the forecourt they could give a flying fuck about it or us. It was still a bit weird sourcing insurance for a car we don't yet own.

Anyhoo. Should be easy enough. In the UK you go online to a comparison website, put in your details, choose the best option and buy it online there and then. Done.

Not so. We tried looking for a meerkat-staffed comparison site and found one. Yup, one. We have them coming out of our arses in the UK. (I appreciate I might be misunderstanding, or looking in the wrong places, but it should be easy, so if I have missed a whole swathe of these sites that are as good as the ones in the UK then their marketing people should be rounded up and shot).

First big surprise - good luck finding  coverage if you don't yet have a local license. The comparison site I found was able to find no quotes for me. They wouldn't touch me with a barge pole.

Next step - went straight to source and got online quotes from all the biggies. These bastards advertise on the TV constantly, so I know all the big names and there was a small part of me that REALLY wanted to go with the one owned by that cockney gecko. I feel a special bond with him - he must have really struggled when he first came over here - British and a gecko? He must have found it hard to get a job, a driving license (how long do geckos live? Is he even old enough to drive?). So, after inputting my information a million times came up with an adequate quote (BTW - the websites don't save your quotes automatically - so if you don't manually save it you won't be able to find your quote again when you log in. Are we living in the fucking dark ages? It gets worse...)

Success! So, now I just need to pay for it online with my debit card. Thats how we do it in the UK. I just need to find where I can pay and put my details in. Seriously, I have to go pick up the car in an hour. Where is the big 'Buy now' box?...

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Surprise!! There is none. Instead I need to call a local agent? WHAT?!? I've got more important things to do with my afternoon than going through the same information with a middle man who lives round the corner from me and still has to contact the underwriter to confirm it all before I can get coverage! I don't need a new chum, I need a computer to decide what risk I pose and give me a cost based on an equation.

(On a side note I have since seen adverts for e-surance which seems to be more akin to how we do this shizzle in the UK, but who knows. Most of the adverts actually PRIDE themselves on having local reps?? State Farm reps actually teleport to the scene of the crash to tell you that you are covered!! Well, that's what the ad suggests anyway. Lets see how fucking friendly they are when I actually have to claim. I'm pretty sure they'll do their utmost to worm out of giving me any cash due to a technicality. I don't need someone local to do that - I am happy for someone in a distant call centre to disappoint me remotely.)

A few phone calls, an unsuccessful attempt to find a fax machine and scanning and emailing all the important documents we have we finally have some fucking car insurance. ALREADY??

Thankfully picking up the car was easier, although its worth noting that California car-buying law means that you don't get a cooling off period, so if you want to cancel your contract after thinking about it for an hour or so, you can't. That probably sounds pretty obvious to an American, but to a Brit thats a slightly scary concept.

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*Yeah, I know its Cheese Steak. Cheesecake is funnier though, m'kay?
**Shakespeare reference, innit? I'm pretty sure that poor Tom in King Lear was waiting at the us stop in the storm and was dreaming of buying a car so he didn't have to get the bus anymore. Don't bother looking it up. I'm definitely right. I come from the land of Shakespeare. I know this shit.

An apology to Mr Clooney, and $100 on a voltage converter

I'm pretty sure its in the Constitution that every American has the right to bear an electric whisk, a s'mores maker and a panini press? Just under the bit about wearing bear arms?

And I'm a girl who loves her Nespresso pods. I'm not a coffee snob, I'm just lazy (and having clogged up the garbage disposal with coffee grinds, also a bit scared about where I'm supposed to dispose of my cafetierre detritus).

Turns out that Nespresso is not 'the done thing' in the Bay Area, and appear to be quite hard to get hold of, so I'm glad I brought my Nespresso pods from London. So, I nab one of the 3 plug converters that are circulating round the apartment and plug him in for my morning fix. I am greeted with the standard flashy flashy 'I'm just warming up', and then nothing. FFS. There isn't enough power coursing through his little electrical veins. And as it turns out, his little toaster-buddy is similarly electrically anemic.

Easily solved I'll buy a small step-up converter that changes the feeble 110v to a more manly 240v. This seems to be the suggestion online for when the American voltage simply isn't cutting the mustard. (Incedentally, its mush MUCH easier if you are taking American equipment to the UK - the step down converters are cheaper and less bulky).

Next day - I plug the little fella into the wall. Smell, burning, smoke. FFS. Again.

Upon a closer inspection of the Nespresso spec I see that it is 1710 Watts, and the recently departed step-up converter can only handle up to 500. I fried him!

I now need to find little Smoky's big brother. A step-up converter that can handle up to and including 1710 Watts. A quick trawl on Amazon and Frys Electrical gives me just such a beast.

Its massive and heavy, and we didn't really want to have to buy and install it, but I WANT MY NESPRESSO. George will be wondering why we've not been ordering more pods. He'll get upset and think its something that he's done. Its not your fault George.

So, it has been purchased at a cost of about $100 (plus all sorts of fucking taxes, whatevs), and...it works!! I have the coffee I'm used to, (and a lovely slice of toast, to boot), and I haven't clogged the garbage disposal with coffee grinds since. It is very heavy and a bit of a brick, and it makes a sort of humming noise when you first turn it on, so we've not been leaving it plugged in, but it is still cheaper than buying a new nespresso here, and it means we can use it on Toasty as well.

I still can't believe we are the only people ever to migrate their toaster and coffee machine from the UK but it was ruddy difficult to find any advice on this! In short - you're welcome.

As an aside - Frys electrical is amazing. Its like Maplin and Amazon on amphetamines. The one near us is even themed - its all wild west-y. And the stock room is signposted 'The Lost Silicon Mine'. AND its as cheap, if not cheaper than Amazon.

Leo gets it

Trying to work out the cost of living in the States is hard for a couple of reasons.

1. There are a shit-ton of mystery taxes that you need to add to everything. We're paying about $100 a month for tv and broadband. I think. Plus state taxes. Plus ineptitude tax. Plus exasperation duty and a-permanent-sense-of-unease tax. Plus cheese. Hold the relish.


2. I have literally no idea what extra stuff we need to pay for. In the UK we have rent, water, electricity, gas, council tax, tv license and then extras like phone, internet and sky tv. In the US you don't have tv license (I guess I'm not paying to watch BBC 1 twice anymore, which is a good thing (though I would pay my license fee alone to watch Sherlock and listen to BBC Radio 4 extra), but, seriously, there should be a couple of tv stations that aren't owned by ratings-crazed whores. Quality tv is not dictated by rednecks with remotes, people!!), but you do have to pay for garbage - what?? Surely the local authorities cover all that stuff in the wads of moolah you give them?

And it doesn't matter how many people you ask - they don't realise that you don't know about this extra junk. My point is - you don't know what you don't know, but we're slowly working it out. I just have a nagging feeling that all the other expats sitting at home laughing at us.

"Mwa-ha-ha - wait til they find out that there are no online comparison websites to get the best deal for your cable tv because they are all basically run by one company. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"

Dammit, guys! 

Publix conveniences

You hear a lot about convenience in the US, but it's taking a bit of getting used to for this Limey pair (yes, I capitalise Limey - it is a proper noun).

In the UK convenience is a Tesco metro.

"Ooh - handy - we can nip up the road and get some extra yorkie puds if we run out on Sunday."

Adorables.

Brits - let's take a step back and explore the 'convenience' of this. Let us presume you are making a roast chicken with the works. Maybe you've got the kids coming over too. A lovely family meal. And if you run out of something you can walk round the corner and get pretty much anything you need.

Now, let's make this whole scenario a smidge easier. Rather than everyone come to you, chef, let's all meet at a restaurant, where they buy and cook the food. They nip out for extra yorkie puds. They even provide the loo roll and clean the toilet for you. And, you don't have to walk anywhere, just drive up and get a freshly cooked meal. You can probably have a yummy rhubarb crumble for afters too. And you don't have to do the washing up! See where I'm going with this?

Yes, yes - none of us can afford to go out every night to eat, but what if it was comparable to eating in? And what if it was a challenge to buy fresh fruit & veg unless you want to pay through the arse and go to an organic shop, a farmers market or Target and buy it pre-diced and bleached? Welcome to America, bitches. Where convenience just met affordability. I will have to actively seek out cheaper fresh ingredients in order to be able to affordably cook at home. Wtf??

I'm sure I'll find somewhere, but it's not as easy as Florida (damn I miss Publix). California seems to be lacking a Tesco or an ASDA. Whats wrong with wanting to buy fresh meat, local fruit & veg, Heinz ketchup and Frosties all in one place? I don't want own brand organic ketchup, so that's Trader Joe's out. I don't want my fruit to have been flown in by private jet from Libya, so I won't bother with Whole Foods, but I would like to buy fruit that is not pre-cubed and put in a plastic tub (thanks Target - I can do that myself). 

Gonna try Safeway and see if it's anything like the UK Safeway was. Wish me luck. I have the local Thai restaurant on speed dial just in case...

S'mores brownies - you are welcome

My plan isn't to actively make my husband fat, but I am enjoying the incredible new range of food available to me in the States, so it may be an unwanted side effect. Sorry, love.

After a bit of searching I have managed to find somewhere that sells local fresh fruit and veg, which isn't normally important to me, but when the only alternatives are Trader Joe's (hippies shipping organic stuff from the other side of the planet, and missing the irony of their endeavours), Target (its cool - poor people don't need fresh fruit & veg) and Whole Foods (yey - they have organic tampons. Srsly) and we are living in a place nicknamed 'the fruit bowl' it is very odd that I've had to actively seek local farming produce.

Glad I did though - the plums from the financial district farmers market were delish!

Anyhoo - I've been experimenting a bit, now I have a kitchen again and an incredible selection of food at my disposal, and lo, s'mores brownies were born.

S'mores is a thing that you hear about alot in the American culture that bleeds across the pond, but I am still suspicious of American chocolate (Hersheys? Really??) so I thought s'mores brownies were the best way to try them for the first time. I was right.

I'd love to post a picture, but I burnt the marshmallow's on the top, so they looked a bit pox-marked. Also, they all fell in my tummy before I had the chance to photograph them. But they existed, and the world is a better place for it.

I used the brownie mix from Trader Joe's, added a graham cracker base (like a traditional digestive biscuit cheesecake base), crumbled extra graham cracker bits into the mixture, along with some baby marshmallows. Cooked it all up, drizzled Trader Joe's caramel sauce over it and squished some extra marshmallows into it. The next bit went a bit wrong, but I was supposed to toast them gently. Instead I burnt them horrifically and had to scrape them all off. That little mistake aside these were the chewiest and most delish brownies I have ever eaten. I rock.

The black hole in the kitchen

In the UK we don't have garbage disposal thingys in our kitchen sinks. I think its something to do with the British sense of doom and gloom. When the good people of Britain see a queue we think 'Le sigh - just my luck. That enormous queue is probably for the exact thing that I need. I'd better join it'. Similarly, when we Brits see a meat grinder instead of a plug hole we are inclined to think 'Le sigh - I guess I'll be losing my cutlery/wedding ring/hand/torso down that bad boy. Better tell the wife and kids that the trip to Chessington is off because we'll be at A&E all weekend'.

We're pretty pessimistic people, and I, for one, do not trust the washing up water sluicing everything near the sink down towards the terrifying motorised teeth and human-hand sized hole. Its bad enough that the hole is enormous, let alone the pulverising motion of the blades or the growling 'om nom nom' of the motor.

That said, it is quite addictive. And after about 10 minutes asking myself what can I put down there (as in 'what am I allowed to put down there?'), I started asking the more important question: what can't I put down there? And by can't I mean physically, not morally.

A bit of googling offered this useful advice for a garbage disposal noob. And these hilarious images:

And a bit of experimentation yielded mixed results:

Not sure how I'm gonna fix that. I've just put it back in the cutlery drawer and hope that the cutlery fairies come and fix it.

I also discovered a new thing - why waste valuable seconds explaining to other noobs that you can't put fats, oils and grease down the sink, simply shorten it to FOG. Its cool. Its a thing. People will deffo know what you're talking about.



I have to admit - its actually a real revelation - the thought of scraping the dregs of a meal down the drain rather than into the recycle bin is actually quite exciting (yeah, whatevs - I get my kicks wherever I can these days). It feels heaps cleaner (no gross drips of gravy) and quicker and easier. (Am I turning into one of Godfrey Bloom's domestic sluts? Meh - what do I care what a soon-to-be jobless old twat thinks).

But Brits - rest assured that while we miss out on the fun of a garbage disposal, we also, generally, get to wash our soiled undergarments in the privacy of our own home. Pity many of our American cousins who have to gather up their laundry and take it to a communal room in their apartment block, or, *shock*, an actual launderette. Seriously - they have built-in dishwashers and garbage disposal units, but no space for a washing machine? When exploring apartments we're getting alot of teeth-sucking when we mention that we want a washing machine in unit. And the two people I've asked who have washing machines in-unit still have to put quarters in to get it working?? WTF? 

I WILL be doing my laundry in my pants on a Saturday morning, and if that upsets my neighbours then so be it.