I'll give you something fun to do with hotdogs...

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So with my liberal sprinkling of f-bombs and poop jokes it will have become apparent that I occupy the most regal of positions in the comedy feudal system, which is why I feel I am qualified to pass judgment on those who attempt to lob gags over the battlements of my comedy castle. One must always be poised to receive the pointy end of a double entendre (see what I did there?) - I genuinely (and potentially mistakenly) believe it is a sign of intelligence. 




Double entendre is all about context. When Sid offered Babs a sausage from the BBQ it was pretty clear to the 12 year old me that he was suggesting something a bit ruder. (I say 12. It may have been younger. Don't judge me for watching sexy comedies in my formative years. Us Brits are weened on such shenanigans). And I have been told on a couple of occasions that my guffaws are unwelcome because the snigger-worthy misinterpretation is taken entirely out of context. Why would you think that my exclamation that I love sausage could mean anything sinister when we are at a sausage-tasting evening in the Sausageville Sausage Factory. Simpleton. But, it is my belief that being able to take something out of context AND in context is a sign of higher intelligence. I'm experiencing life on multiple levels, bitches!


And I know many of the peasants in this here colony are with me. As an example lets look at THE BEST ADVERT in the history of all things.

I appreciate that this can entirely be interpreted with a straight face. All these lovely people are very happy that they can now have items sent directly to them. The message is clear. But, there is no doubt whatsoever that the company responsible are fully aware of the hilarity that ensues when you slightly mishear the statement "I just shipped my bed". This simple misdirection makes you giggle, because, goodness, did he just say what I thought he said? No! Of course not - but wouldn't it be silly if he did! At worst you remember the message in the advert because you misheard and thought they were being dirty buggers - remembering a clear message is the most basic of goals for an ad. At best you and KMART form a naughty, unspoken bond through your tv where they mentally give you a wink and a chuckle and you mentally wink back, whispering, "tee hee, we're both on the same page, are we". And, if we're on the same page, then you won't try and screw me over with fake-ass Black Friday deals or a shoddy returns policy. Wink.

So, with this in mind what the fuck-a-doodle-dandy were Pillsbury thinking when they got their little podgy mascot to claim "here's something fun to do with hotdogs!" And its not sentiment, which, packaged differently, would be perfectly innocuous, its the actual words used. They could have said "Looking for a fun treat for the kids?" or "Bored of hotdogs? Here's a fun twist!" But the actual statement sounds like something one might say after a solid fortnight of eating hotdogs cut into the shape of farm animals or threaded with spaghetti - "Here's something fun to do with hotdogs! Shove them up your arse!".

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If this IS meant to be taken out of context then we are imagining a tiny dough-y BOY doing something pervy with hotdogs. Um, no. Which means that it is an in-context-only situation, which shows an incredible lack of awareness, and demonstrates that Pillsbury are very much not on my level. We shared no knowing winks, we are not on the same wavelength. Sorry, Pillsbury, I won't be rushing out to buy your merchandise, and, I fear, you won't give a crap because I clearly fall well outside of your target demographic.

The same can be said for the lovely infomercial I just watched for a recipe book of "Dump cakes". Pardon? You mean to say that completely straight-faced you are offering me a dump cake? A cake of dump? Wow. I guess there is a chance that a 'dump' is not a slang term that Americans will understand. If that be the case, I stand corrected on this one, although I do want to be in the meeting where they try and sell the book to Waterstones in the UK. Epic.