- Oh, hai, I'm Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson, and this here is my pal, Dr Samuel 'I wrote the dictionary' Johnson.
S'up? -
- Grasping the intricacies of the Northern American dialect can sometimes be a challenge for visiting Brits, so Sammy and I are here to educate you in a series we're calling:
Dr Johnsons' word of the day*
Hey D, are you a real Doc? -
- Leave it, bro.
Really? Legit? -
- I said leave it!
Geez. -
- Anyway, for your edification and delight, today's word is:
com·fort·er
noun
Basically,
a duvet, but comforters often come all brightly coloured with the
expectation that you'll use it without a cover (ew). You can buy duvets
(the cheapest and best are found in Ikea), but if you want to source
some online you'll need to look for 'duvet insert', because, apparently,
(mistakenly) the 'duvet' is the bit on the outside, and the 'duvet
insert' is the big fluffy thing full of feathers. Nope, but I guess I'll have to play by your rules, America.
Join us again soon for another exciting foray into American-English.
* Not in any way endorsed by THE Dwayne Johnson. Or Samuel Johnson for that matter.
I've never really had a thing for David Beckham, (so Vicky should seriously back off - I'm not interested in your man, k?) but I don't question that he is the epitome of a British footballer (fine - soccer player - whatevs - pretty sure we invented it, but don't let that stop you from 'correcting' me).
I was chatting to some lovely peeps in a bar in California and, to detract from the fact that my sporting banter is very limited, I started talking about the differences between the college system in the States and the football academies in the UK. In the UK we groom our future footballers from a really young age - they are spotted as little boys (yes, boys, a combination of factors means that women's football is not televised, and young female footballers are not in demand like their male counterparts. It's a fact, despite what personal irritation this may cause) and go to a succession of academies that train them to be top notch, but don't really focus on any backup plan. If you don't become David Beckham #2 then what do you do? The focus has been on the sport, so unless you've got an epic support network who can steer you towards education/qualifications/apprenticeships etc then you get a bit lost and end up working in a supermarket, trading on an old dream, telling people you once had a try-out for Arsenal. Surely the American system of highly-regarded college football is better?
So, you're the high school track star, you get a sports scholarship to an amazing university, but throughout your sports training you have to maintain an average grade to ensure you don't lose sight of your education, just in case, ya know, Miami Heat don't come calling. Fab idea, shame that's not always how it works.
The peeps I was chatting to were quick to correct me. Apparently colleges stand to gain quite a lot financially from having sporting stars play for them. Brits may be surprised to hear that college football is televised in the US, and not in a Transworld Sport, 6am on a Sunday morning way. It is properly important. This country thrives on competition, and if your old college is playing you really care if they win. Damn - Brits can be so dismissive - I know I don't give a crap if Warwick beat Manchester in a crappy soccer game.
So, your college team is pretty good, you get a lot of tv coverage, people see your college as superior, they go there, your college gets money. Easy.
Now comes the part that my lovely bar peeps explained - if you are a potential money-spinner your high
school/college will do whatever they can to keep your grades up, like hire a tutor. A tutor who might be able to do the really hard stuff for you if you're too busy running around?
Now, I know nothing about this approach, except what I've been told, so don't get your panties in a twist if your college really did focus on education. Blah blah. My point is that the British system and US system of grooming young sporting stars is ostensibly the same. If you become a star then you're sorted. If you don't then you may well end up out in the cold world with dashed dreams, the faded glory of being the next big thing and no idea what to do next. In the US you'll have a college degree, but it may be worth sod all because you didn't actually do the work.
I know there are plenty of people who go on to have amazing careers in other areas, but the systems aren't
foolproof, and the more money that's at stake the more people stop seeing the kids and start seeing cash cows.
I don't pretend to have a solution. Maybe stop paying sports people in the most popular sports so much money? Unlikely. Anyway, I'm not about solving problems, I'm about exploring perspectives. And talking. Constantly. Most importantly my Cali bar trip has been an education as always - everyone was charming, interesting and educated. Might try and have this discussion in Aquum in Clapham, see how far I get.
Coming from the home of the 6:57 crew, as I do, I am used to a certain brand of football supporter. Its the same story in all the working class areas of the UK. Win, and the fans float about the city on a cloud of pride and righteousness. Lose, and the city/opposing fans/football grounds get smashed up.
This week, after all the media hype and anticipation , the 49ers lost against the Seahawks in a game that killed their chances of reaching the 2014 Superbowl. I watched the news as the team slowly drove their coach back to the grounds in San Francisco...to the cheers of around a hundred fans?? What?? CHEERS?? Seriously - if a team loses in the UK they are lucky if NOBODY shows up, because SOMEBODY showing up means you're going to get pelted with cans and verbal abuse.
I exaggerate, and I'm not condoning the behaviour of football hooligans, but the point still stands - you had
one job, guys, ONE JOB. And you failed. Its very sweet that your fans wait for you at midnight to welcome you home with, "Nevermind", "You did great!" and, "There's always next year!", but those people spend ALOT of their hard-earned moolah on your merchandise. They work hard in their jobs to come watch you do yours. Badly, as it turns out.
Count yourself lucky that you're playing in the States, that's all I can say, because if you played in the UK you would have some serious questions to answer.
Trying to work out the cost of living in the States is hard for a couple of reasons.
1. There are a shit-ton of mystery taxes that you need to add to everything. We're paying about $100 a month for tv and broadband. I think. Plus state taxes. Plus ineptitude tax. Plus exasperation duty and a-permanent-sense-of-unease tax. Plus cheese. Hold the relish.
2. I have literally no idea what extra stuff we need to pay for. In the UK we have rent, water, electricity, gas, council tax, tv license and then extras like phone, internet and sky tv. In the US you don't have tv license (I guess I'm not paying to watch BBC 1 twice anymore, which is a good thing (though I would pay my license fee alone to watch Sherlock and listen to BBC Radio 4 extra), but, seriously, there should be a couple of tv stations that aren't owned by ratings-crazed whores. Quality tv is not dictated by rednecks with remotes, people!!), but you do have to pay for garbage - what?? Surely the local authorities cover all that stuff in the wads of moolah you give them?
And it doesn't matter how many people you ask - they don't realise that you don't know about this extra junk. My point is - you don't know what you don't know, but we're slowly working it out. I just have a nagging feeling that all the other expats sitting at home laughing at us.
"Mwa-ha-ha - wait til they find out that there are no online comparison websites to get the best deal for your cable tv because they are all basically run by one company. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"
When in Rome, and all that. So, I've been watching alot of telly, and the ads are almost as long as the actual tv programmes, so you start to get to know them pretty well.
You also get to spot certain tropes and formulas that, despite being really obvious, must work, otherwise they wouldn't keep appearing.
First up, you've got the parental guilt-trip: Do your children have gold-plated eyeballs? Why not? Don't you love them? Wow, you're a real ass-hat.
Its a cheap & nasty trick, but there is little that makes parents more emotive than the well being of their child. So using them as a tool is bloody clever!
A sub-set of the parental guilt trip is the in-house brand manager, where kids are groomed into selling the product to their parents on behalf of the supplier. This is achieved with a bit of carefully orchestrated mass hysteria:
Kids? KIDS?? AAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!
Next up: fear-mongering. This is mostly found in insurance or medical ads. Do you sometimes scratch your nose? Does it smell bad when you poop? Is your vision impaired when you jam a fork in your eye? You've probably got poopy-scratch blindness. It affects 1 in 7 trillion Americans.
Seriously, don't stress it. You're much more likely to die from being hit by lightening. Or being eaten by coyotes. You should probably buy lightening insurance and coyote pills, just in case.
A more tricky one: product placement Did you know that HP pay The Office to have their products placed? Me neither. The funniest is when companies deliberately disguise a logo, because the company wouldn't pay them to advertise. Like when the replace a glowing Apple logo on a very distinctive Mac Book with a glowing kiwi fruit.
Also...SMOKE MARLBORO CIGARETTES. SUPERMAN DOES. PROBABLY. I THINK HE STUFFED A FEW CARTONS DOWN HIS TIGHTS AND THEN SNUCK OFF BACK TO SMOKE THEM IN THE DAILY PLANET TOILETS. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, BUT THE FIRE ALARM HASN'T BEEN WORKING IN THERE SINCE JIMMY BORROWED THE BATTERIES FOR HIS REMOTE CONTROL CAR. Anyway. I digress.
Finally, and this is a new one on me: Promotional consideration
On a legitimate level, this can be a company providing a prize for a game show and getting a few seconds (apparently 7 seconds is the norm) dedicated airtime for a bit of descriptive blurb to be read.
On a slightly more sneaky level, it might mean free hotel breaks for the station owners in return for a few seconds mention on a morning chat show. How many times have you heard the presenter tell you an anecdote about the restaurant they ate in last night, or the film they watched, or the musical they went to see? Hmm? Its always a bit creepy and rehearsed, isn't it? "So, Ian, what did you get up to last night?", "Well, Brenda, thanks for asking, I had a really fab time at Bernie's Steakhouse in downtown hicksville..."
You hear a lot about convenience in the US, but it's taking a bit of getting used to for this Limey pair (yes, I capitalise Limey - it is a proper noun).
In the UK convenience is a Tesco metro.
"Ooh - handy - we can nip up the road and get some extra yorkie puds if we run out on Sunday."
Adorables.
Brits - let's take a step back and explore the 'convenience' of this. Let us presume you are making a roast chicken with the works. Maybe you've got the kids coming over too. A lovely family meal. And if you run out of something you can walk round the corner and get pretty much anything you need.
Now, let's make this whole scenario a smidge easier. Rather than everyone come to you, chef, let's all meet at a restaurant, where they buy and cook the food. They nip out for extra yorkie puds. They even provide the loo roll and clean the toilet for you. And, you don't have to walk anywhere, just drive up and get a freshly cooked meal. You can probably have a yummy rhubarb crumble for afters too. And you don't have to do the washing up! See where I'm going with this?
Yes, yes - none of us can afford to go out every night to eat, but what if it was comparable to eating in? And what if it was a challenge to buy fresh fruit & veg unless you want to pay through the arse and go to an organic shop, a farmers market or Target and buy it pre-diced and bleached? Welcome to America, bitches. Where convenience just met affordability. I will have to actively seek out cheaper fresh ingredients in order to be able to affordably cook at home. Wtf??
I'm sure I'll find somewhere, but it's not as easy as Florida (damn I miss Publix). California seems to be lacking a Tesco or an ASDA. Whats wrong with wanting to buy fresh meat, local fruit & veg, Heinz ketchup and Frosties all in one place? I don't want own brand organic ketchup, so that's Trader Joe's out. I don't want my fruit to have been flown in by private jet from Libya, so I won't bother with Whole Foods, but I would like to buy fruit that is not pre-cubed and put in a plastic tub (thanks Target - I can do that myself). Gonna try Safeway and see if it's anything like the UK Safeway was. Wish me luck. I have the local Thai restaurant on speed dial just in case...
We have Halloween in the UK too, its just not quite the materialistic pagan-fest it is here in the States. The shops are full of costumes, themed food and spooky cards, and, when my lovely teamies back in the UK remembered the phenomenon that is 'trick or treat' they put their Halloween candy order in - Tootsie rolls and Reese's pieces.
The big themes seem to be pumpkin-things (lattes, carvings, pie, cheesecake, muffins), candy corn, skelling-tons and dressing up. I've seen some pretty cool stuff - kinda wish we celebrated it more in the UK, although I don't know how American families cope financially, what with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas and New Year all in the space of 3 months. Dayum - I'd be skint and fat by January.
Target had some cool foam wigs for grown ups - wish I'd thought of these. Super simple, but really impressive.
They also have the cutest selection of baby's and kids costumes.
There are some awesome bits and pieces on Etsy too, courtesy of Goddess of Jewellry, Couth Clothing, Nail dots. I guess Etsy pretty much
guarantees that you retain your quirky-cool style whilst celebrating
this particular holiday.
And while you're all dressed up, why not head out trick or treating? Everyone seems pretty obsessed with:
a) having enough candy (thanks to Fox news for this incredible piece of topical journalism. *Le sigh)
b) how old is too old? The Today show had a poll and asked how old was too old. Apparently its ok as long as they make an effort to dress up. No teenagers in hoodies demanding the keys to your car instead of a funsize Mars bar.
And after all of that you've got a mind-blowing number of Halloween TV specials. For the kids there is the Toy Story, Sam & Cat and Haunted Hathaways specials, and for the grown-ups AMC are hosting, what appears to be, an entire month of 24/7 horror films. Seriously - in a country that edits out the naughty jokes for tv I was able to give myself the willies by watching Slither, Halloween and ALL of the Nightmare on Elm Street films at 11am?? AMCFearFest
Its not all cutesy - there's some proper scary shit.
