If your 5 year old knows what "Blurred Lines" is really all about then you're a terrible person

So I have just discovered a thing called Kidz Bops. At my least cynical I can see that its a way that parents can let their kids enjoy the latest pop music without having to worry that they're listening to swear words and being subject to the dirtiest of grown up activities. With my more comfortable cynical hat on (its like the sorting hat, but instead of jolly 'house' assignment it sorts people into 'fuckers' - greedy fuckers, corporate fuckers, retarded fuckers etc.) its a fucking atrocity. Its not even done with the "our-public-funded-budget-can't-afford-the-actual-artists" honesty of Dooby Duck's Disco Bus or viewed through the Yew-tree-tinted glasses of the 80s Minipops. Its totally fucking serious, and it has even spawned some try-hard breakout pop acts (why do I know what/who Becky G is??? That little gem of information has just pushed Timon of Athens out of my head).

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The argument is that current pop songs are filled with filthy words, so the wonderful people at Kidz Bops change the words to something more innocuous and then get some perky, upbeat kids to re-sing. Aside from it being an assault on the ears (squeaky fucking preteens singing about homework and going to school - ugh) and massacring some cracking lyrics that deal with real life stuff it is also entirely pointless. As a kid I wanted to be a young adult - the coolest people I knew were between the age of 15 and 25. I therefore had no desire to watch people my age prancing around singing songs - I could join a fucking youth group and do that. Or just watch the videos my mates and I made of us dancing and singing to Madonna. No, what I wanted to see was the cool grown ups doing cool things and then singing about them. What sort of kids get excited about this cack?? Are they the same kids who prefer iced hibiscus tea to kool-aid?

Potentially more disturbingly, the process of rewriting the song lyrics highlight a complete lack of understanding. First up, if your kids know what the actual lyrics of "Moves like Jagger" are all about then that suggests they are already aware of the grown-up sexy time activities being alluded to in the lyrics. My husband doesn't even know what some of these songs are about. I admit that I find it a little disturbing to see a three year old singing along to Nikki Minaj, but I doubt that they really understand what they're singing about. The adults around them, however, who dress them up like little hoe-bags and teach them to grind do understand and are doing waaaaaaay more damage. So, its fine to dress up like a tiny adult and wiggle and shake and buy in to the vacuous horror of the pop-machine, encouraging kids to aim for pop stardom rather than professional careers, but heaven forbid that they hear Ke$ha sing about gargling with JD. If your kid knows what JD is then you should probably have a word with yerself.

I appreciate that my views might change when I actually have kids, but, if they do, I'll refer myself back to the clear logic of this post.

For a selection of some of the best/worst of Kidz Bops have a look at this fantastic blog entry from Mommyish. Funny and factual, boys and girls.