I'm sure Leo still gets it

Having had a delightful fuck-worthy experience with the lying liars at Comcast I wanted to post a quick update to my earlier entry about the cost of living. Of all the words that don't translate from the UK to the US (trousers, jumper, stag do) the word "total" was a bit of a surprise to me. I am, as usual, being facetious.

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When being mis sold an upgraded tv package I heard the hubby ask for a total monthly price multiple times. Each time he was given a different number. For the purposes of most commercial interactions I'd like to think that the sales person knows that when I ask for the "total cost" I couldn't give a sweaty monkey scrotum how much this will cost to the company or to them personally. I don't care how much of this will be tax collected by the state. What I want is the total that I, as the customer, can expect to be extracted from my bank account. I will, at some point, require a breakdown of costs, which you can tot up to give me a few sub-totals, but my current question is 'what will the total sum of my bill be at the end of each calendar month'? If I subsequently discover a tax, a rental charge for the new HD box, a callout fee for the installation of said box, or a monthly "bevvies" fee that you use to get the beers in at the end of another successful month of being a dickhead sales bastard, I will push my excessively large remote control into one of your orifices.

In short - don't ever expect the total to be the total.

Public transport clearly demonstrates where the social priorities lie for local government

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I was busy thinking about the millennia that I had to wait for my CVS points card to be activated
when lo and behold I am faced with the same issue when foolishly thinking that I could top up my Clipper travel card instantly online. I am referring to this as Clipper-gate. It could be that the system is as fucked as the online transfers and some poor bastard has to go and get the cash from the bank, put it in an envelope and send it over to the Clipper accounts team who put the cash in a giant piggy bank, look up my name in a vast ledger and, using a little rubber-tipped pencil, scrub out the current total and pencil in an updated one. Its either that, or a lack of funding.

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Bay Area pubic transport is really good. I don't like comparisons with London, because TFL has had significant investment under BoJo and we have been revealing in a series of transport anniversaries that have attracted sponsorship and therefore additional pots of cash. (That said - take note, London - there are NO staff and NO ticket offices at many of the suburban Caltrain stations and we foreigners seem to be getting by ok). That said, someone from the local transport authority should really pop over and have a butchers. Heck, take the union reps with you - you want people to feel sorry for you? Provide a better fucking service. Troll through Clapham South tube station on a Friday night and see how inexplicably amenable and helpful the staff are there. Even when surrounded by a bowl of drunken dicks they still provide an outstanding service and most of them don't look like they've been smacked in the face with a fat, drunk girl's kecks.

I appreciate that the Oyster card caused kerfuffle, and it can be hard for non London natives to get their head round it (especially now that buses don't take cash. Have I made that up? I think thats true? I know they were talking about it?) but the system is now prolific and outstandingly managed. You can top up your Oyster card at all the stations, using the same machine at which you buy paper tickets. You can top it up online. You can top it up with cash in hundreds of newsagents across the capital.

Now, lets explore the Clipper card, beloved in San Francisco. You can use it to travel on most of the transport systems in the Bay Area - bus, train, tram. Jolly dee. The pricing system is complicated as fuck, (why are the fast pass options so complicated, and why are they separate to the cash bit?) but as long as you can simply have a running cash total on the card that is deducted with each use then we are onto a winner. And the cost of travel is excellent, especially for the second most expensive city in the US. Now we come to the bits that clearly need more thought. And by "thought" I mean "funding". As I said - the public transport in the Bay Area is really good for the US, and is a lifeline for lots of people who live in cheaper areas and travel to work in the major conurbations. This is how we reduce traffic into and out of SF everyday. This is how we reduce the animosity towards immigrants to the area who are working in the big tech companies and getting their flashy private wifi buses to work everyday and blocking the publicly funded muni. Social diversity, less stress, better mobility, blah blah blah - read a modern essay on town planning and you'll get the gist.

So, firstly we need to have Clipper machines in all stations. Secondly, when one adds money to a Clipper card online it should not take 5 days for the money to appear. It should be instant. I appreciate these are little things, and that they actually probably cost a lot to implement, but if this were a private enterprise, or serving the wealthiest inhabitants of the Bay Area then they would already be dealt with. Plus wifi on the trains. And a buffet cart.

And while we're on the subject of investment in transport, I would like to raise the high speed option. The UK is tiny and has invested, (some issues there - MPs giving contracts to companies in which they have a vested interest etc), and we have got archaeologically and ecologically important sites coming out of every orifice. Plus our ancient low bridges which scupper double decker trains and certain portions of high speed track. Plus having to work round existing buildings and foundations which are EVERYWHERE (the Crossrail team deserve medals on ingenuity. Seriously - the work they had to do to ensure London didn't jump implode is astounding).

There is significantly less of this in the US. There are still protected areas of natural beauty, Native

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American land, historical sights and dinosaur bones, but not as densely (or expensively) packed as the UK. If inhabitants of Fresno or Sacramento or Oakland were able to get over to the wealthier areas of Nor-Cal quickly then they would be able to seek employment there and command higher salaries that would raise the general quality of life across the whole freakin state. I wonder if the local authorities would be so reticent to commit to a large scale plan and greater investment if the Silicon Valley elite were pushing for it? Or if some of them didn't have personal interest in oil & gas and keeping cars on the road? Feel free to accuse me of being a communist or a conspiracy theorist - I'm not either of these things (don't let the little tufty Lenin beard fool you. Thats just hormones). I just think I'm smarter than everyone else, thats all.

Tell me how an online transaction takes 4 weeks? Tell me!!

So, I've already had a seething rant about the DMV and the fact that I had to use a pen and paper to do my theory test and a little man at a desk actually marked it with a red pen. Yes, that actually writes and posts a cheque on behalf.
happened this century. I believe I have also mentioned, the online transfers situation whereby a little bank pixie

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Why the ruddy heckington am I therefore surprised that it takes 4 weeks for my CVS points card to
get registered. FOUR. FUCKING. WEEKS.

Not that I even care, but don't encourage me to sign up and send me vouchers by email that I can't fucking use because "it can take up to four weeks for the system to update". And yet, you bombard me with email spam in that 4 week period? You seem to have got my email address on the system pretty fucking quick.

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This seems to be the norm here - online processes are apparently not instant (as they mostly are in the UK), and nobody seems to be irritated enough to do anything about it. My suspicion is that the systems are bloated with fat human staff who have to manually enter details (even though I typed my details into the till), and somehow have employment protection even though their job appears to be to make everyone's lives a bit harder, and to ensure we get less quality of service for a service we didn't really give a shit about anyway.

Keep an eye out for money off coupons for your Cancer medication. No, really.

I've already had my little winge about what is and is not covered by insurance in the US of A. Well, I thought it would actually be a bit useful to share some of the stuff I've learnt to overcome the medical minefield. 

I can't help you with choosing a health insurance provider. That was decided by the old man's employer, although we were given a choice of coverage within that. Turns out I'm making the same choices about my own healthcare as I am about the cats - I have to decide if I am prepared to pay $x per month for basic emergency healthcare and coverage of prescriptions, or, if I think I'm going to get cancer, I need to pay $x extra a month to cover any potential tests I might need to diagnose stuff. And if I want cover for having kids and whatnot? Thats an extra bundle of coverage that costs an extra $x per month. But what if I get some hideous thing and I don't know about it til its too late? Simple - pay an extra $x a month to have a free annual checkup with allsorts of tests. I have read ALOT of fine print. The main things to look out for:

1. If you want coverage for something specific (a particular congenital disorder, a specific medication) check that it will be covered and to what extent before you sign up. You can talk to a rep on the phone from the chosen insurance company. 
2. If its something pre-existing you will have to work quite hard to determine what will and wilt be covered. Lot of insurance companies simply won't cover pre-existing issues, meaning that if you went to the doctor with a stomach ache yesterday, signed up for insurance today, and in 2 months it was discovered to be a tumor then that won't be covered, nor will any of the tests or medication. 
3. There is also a period of time during which you can't claim. It depends on the company, but it could be a couple of weeks up to a month.
4. You will have to pay for all your doctor visits. This is called co-pay - its the wad of cash you'll shell out when you go to the doctor, or pickup a prescription. It can be as low as $0, but it will vary depending on the pharmacy you go to and what your insurance coverage is. Heck, it may also depend on what drugs you're getting.
5. You can decide what your voluntary excess should be - they call that your 'deductible'.
6. Prescriptions are often written Rx. I have no idea why they decided to go all latin up in this bitch.
7. Not all the prescriptions you get from your GP will be covered by your insurance. Apparently one cannot get acne after the age of 31, so my insurance company did not cover my prescribed medication. Nice. You can fight them on it, and, in fact, you are encouraged to, because if they don't know there is a problem then they won't change it. 

   

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8. YOU will have to check if a particular drug or test or therapy is covered by your insurance company - you can do that by calling them up. Alternatively they should have a list of covered things online.
9. If your prescription involves some extra mixing of specific amounts of drugs you may need to find a Compounding Pharmacist. These chaps seem to be talked about in hushed tones, and exist only on certain mythical plains. 
10. If a prescription isn't covered by your insurance:
1. Shop around - find out how much your medication costs at various pharmacies. Also, note that the price can change daily, so if you find somewhere good it probably won't be that price next time you go there.
2. Once its in the system at one pharmacy you can't get it back. Yup - I took it to one pharmacy, they told me they didn't have any in stock and that it would be $90, because my insurance didn't cover it. Wow. I said, no thanks, can I have my script back and they said that once its in the system they can't give it back to me. FFS.
3. BUT if you find a better pharmacy they can call up the first pharmacy and have it transferred electronically. This took a couple of hours to be sorted, so you might want to come back later.
4. Get a coupon for your prescription medication. Actually, this isn't even something that most of my local chums know about. I was certainly able to download an Rx app and get my prescription medication (that wasn't covered by my insurance) half price. I just had to show the coupon to the pharmacist. Astounding. 
5. Pharmacists can refuse to give you your medication. Yup. There have been a few cases recently where they have refused to give women drugs to help with miscarriages because the same drugs are used in abortions, and the pharmacist did not believe that the doctor in each case had made an ethical decision. Yep, free ethics lesson with every pack of tampons from your friendly local pharmacist.
11. And on a less serious note:
1. If you need to get high, medical marijuana is a thing in certain states and you can go to an actual pharmacy and get a weed prescription. There are lists of things that you can get weed for in certain states.
2. Paracetamol is called acetaminophen.
3. If you are looking for soluble aspirin you won't find it. The closest they have is 'buffered' aspirin which doesn't have the coating on it for swallowing, so when you put it in water it slowly and reluctantly falls apart, rather than actively offering itself up to imbibement. 

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Emergency care can be pretty scary too. In the UK you go to A&E, or, get an emergency appointment at your local out of hours surgery. Here I had to call the insurance company and speak to a nurse who advised me on which hospitals nearby were covered by my insurance. I do pay extra each month to be able to claim SOME money back at hospitals that aren't in my 'network', but if we go to a hospital that is in the 'network' then we get back 90% -100% of the costs, rather than 50%-80%, so its worth knowing in advance.

The hospital was fine - same as the UK, except the wait time was a lot shorter, and you have to get your credit card out before you are allowed to leave. You don't pay all the money up front (like we will have to do with our cat insurance), but you do have to pay the co-pay fee for an emergency visit, and you are later sent a final bill by the hospital with the full cost of the treatment, minus the amount that your insurance company will pay. That just leaves you with your deductible, (which we call the excess in the UK), which was about $300 last time. I have no idea whether we would have to pay more if we took an ambulance, and whether we should just call 911 or whether there is a special private number to call? Who knows. I wonder how many people have actually died trying to work this shit out, find their healthcare provider's list of approved hospitals and balance their finances, all with a plank of wood through their abdomen?

Once you get your head round all this it starts to become routine, although I still don't think any system where an individual has to decide between getting their giant stomach tumor removed or paying the rent is acceptable. And don't even get me started on the influence of the drug companies. BUT, this appears to be one of the few situations here where you DO get better service because you are paying through the arse for it. Unless you're already sick. Or old. Then you're fucked.

http://gizmodo.com/a-better-first-aid-kit-that-makes-suggestions-and-knows-1613376483 

I am a sucker for the "exciting new twist", but when that twist is cinnamon I'd rather eat cat litter

I may well have found the array of products on offer a little overwhelming when I first got here. When you just want a box of Frosties its actually quite disconcerting to be faced with a whole supermarket aisle dedicated to types of Frosties. Strawberry flavor? Gluten free? Frosties with chocolate bits? Or Limited Edition blueberry flavor? (QUICK BUY IT!! Its limited edition! Soon it'll be gone forever and you'll be the only person in the world who hasn't tried it! It could be like the very ambrosia of the gods and everyone will be talking about it and you'll have to pretend that you had it, but you didn't, because you hesitated and the limited edition was gone! And you'll know that you missed out on the most delicious breakfast item ever created and it'll haunt you. And they'll all know. And its all because you didn't believe them when they said it was limited edition. LIMITED!! QUIIIICKKK!!)

It is, however, quite easy to get used to these overwhelming food choices. I am currently enjoying a glass of LeBron mix Sprite (lemon, lime and cherry) and Cheeseburger Pringles. Don't judge me. I know I'm a sap for a bit of tv advertising, but it actually makes a trip to the supermarket a bit more fun. Minced beef? Yawn. Wholemeal sliced bread? Meh. But, whats this? Candy's flavored Oreos? Don't mind if I do!

Actually talking of sliced bread, can I use this forum to make a plea to bakers, pizza dough makers and other purveyors of savory dough items? For the love of god, stop putting sugar in stuff. Wholemeal bread shouldn't be sweet. Not everything has to be sweet, k? And cinnamon? Stahp. You put it in fucking everything. Just stahp. If I never tasted cinnamon ever again I'd be ok with that. So, if you're crafting a recipe for a new meatloaf, or a pizza crust and you think, "How much cinnamon should we put in this?", the answer should be none. Err on the side of caution and skip it altogether. Better none than some, that what I alway say.

Does Family Guy count in my quest for cultural immersion? Yes, yes it does.

I have actually been learning a lot about American culture to try and help me understand the US and, by extension, the UK. I recently had a chat with someone about why the 'Irish cop' is a stereotype in the US (the crappy situation in the UK meant that they were forced to be highly politicized and unionized, so when they migrated to the US they organized the shit out of the important stuff to get the communities sorted).

And having grown up with a fair bit of US tv there are reams of cultural references that I never

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understood until now, and each one helps me understand the country that I'm living in. Go for the popular culture stuff - written by the people, for the people. As an English Literature graduate I am sanctioned to say that the following can be equated with Shakespeare (his plays are littered with bawdy, rude, racist and highly topical comments on the politics of the day, and were seen by plebs and royalty alike. Yeah!! You just got schooled, son!!!) And anyway, a bit of humor makes the lesson go down a bit easier, and we know what happens when we deprive ourselves of TV:

• Book - Cimarron by Edna Ferba (about the Land Rush)
• Book - The Grapes of Wrath (about the impact of the depression. Or watch the film)
• Book - The Things They Carried (Wow. Just wow. If you watch this in conjunction with M*A*S*H, Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket you'll start to confuse the Korean and Vietnam wars, but maybe thats the point? History repeating itself, boys and girls)
• Telly - Drunk History (I have found out about so many impressive characters in American history because of this - see Claudette Colvin and her relationship with Rosa Parks. PR before the masses even knew about PR. Fascinating and powerful stuff)
• Anything by Seth MacFarlane - obvs Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, American Dad - the cultural references are rude and poignant and I'm so freaking chuffed when I get all of them. Smug mode: "Hahaha, its funny because Karl Rove was an evil spin doctor.") Also, A Thousand Ways to Die in the West - the early European settlers lived a terrifying and short existence. Life in Europe must have been fucking awful for them to prefer this. 
• Podcast - This American Life. In fact there are loads of associated podcasts and radio stations. 
• Telly - How the States got their shape (as shouty and flashy and brightly colored as most TV shows seem to be, but Henry Rollins is a pleasure to watch)
• Anything on PBS. Anything. It may not be fun, but it will damn-sure be educational. 
• Telly - any old shows like the Love Boat, The Dick Van Dyke Show
• Film - Western films (they are all incredibly culturally insensitive, which already makes them historically of interest, but watching them with even a smattering of knowledge of the politics of the early settlers and how hard life was in the actual Wild West gives them a whole new meaning)

Enjoy. And if anyone asks, call it research.

Pee 'n' peep

British toilet humor is legendary, if misunderstood. I was weened on bum jokes and, I'm pleased to see that this generation is still being entertained by Dick and Dom shouting bogies loudly in public spaces. We are a nation that is proud of our ablutions. With that in mind we don't really want to enjoy these moments with our nearest and dearest, or indeed complete strangers (well, some of us do, but there are special websites for people like that).

Maybe thats why all the public toilets I have visited in the US seem to have ill-fitting doors to allow me to see all the ladies in the queue, and walls that barely disguise the fact that I'm squatting over the porcelain, so everyone knows exactly what stage I'm at. Maybe Americans simply don't find this amusing and therefore not embarrassing or even noteworthy, so it matters not a jot that there is no privacy in the most private of moments. Maybe, as I have been informed, it makes sense to keep the space as light and airy as possible to help dispense with gross smells.

Whatevs. I have made it my mission to make eye contact with anyone outside of my cubicle while I am mid-peep. Thats clearly what is expected.

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