So, I've been wondering where all the wildlife is here in NorCal. I've seen the hummingbirds (Ah-freaking-mazing) and the black squirrels and the odd wasp (I have no idea where those little bastards come from, but this is MY house, and, in lieu of a firearm I suck the little fuckers into the Dyson to die amid my hair balls) and I've read about the annual tarantula migration in the mountains round here (what fresh hell is this??), but I've not seen anything like the badgers or foxes you get in the UK. Until yesterday, when I saw the most heinous of creatures - like a giant fucking rat with balls of steel!
I was on my way back from the cheap-ass mall in Milpitas (don't judge! They have delicious plastic mango cake and Banana Republic with a permanent sale) and I had to swerve to miss what looked like a giant rat in the middle of the road. It was completely still, staring, with squinted eyes, into the scrubland on the roadside. As I passed he didn't flinch. A second car passed and again, he moved not a single muscle. I actually started to think it was a prank and that someone had placed a stuffed giant rat in the middle of the road. Then he trotted off into the sunset, the lights changed and I was left asking 'WTF?' very loudly in my car on my own.
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| http://www.lovetherunning.com/2014/02/stupid-opossum-you-cant-even-spell-your.html |
Meet the opossum. Cheery little fella, hey?
It turns out that the possum is an adorable little munchkin who lives down under. The opossum is the yang to the Australian yin - the least adorable little rat-faced fuck I have ever seen in real life. Look at him. LOOK! His long pointy, freaky little face. Imagine a cat-sized rat. Urgh.
I was kinda hoping to see a raccoon or a bandicoot or a jackalope* (whatevs - we didn't learn much about North American wildlife in my school). I see them as akin to the fox or the badger - scruffy and cute from afar (though don't ever piss off a badger. They are mean. MEAN!!) See, these are like the little fellas that lived in our garden in London.
And they have the courtesy to scarper as soon as you come within 30 feet, so you never really have to deal with their nasty side.**
I literally never want to see one of these fuckers' on a bad day:
I'm serious. This little fella could take me down in a shot. Shudder.
* A little nod to any cryptozoology fans. Fun fact - the jackalope is a mythical antelope/jackrabbit hybrid that apparently roamed the American planes. Sightings of rabbits with 'antlers' have been recorded for centuries, and biologists now attribute these to the shope papilloma virus. Seriously, google some pics. Gross.
** I paint these little critters in a very positive light, despite the fact that they scream in the night like kidnapped babies, and tear the shit out of any rubbish bags you leave outside. The second of these habits can be forgiven though, because if this happens to you once and you are scraping old KFC from your driveway then you don't do it again. You buy a wheelie bin, or put your rubbish out on the morning of bin day. Don't you? Seriously?? Am I picking up your fucking rubbish off my driveway again, moron?? I know who you are - the fox has handily left some of your junk mail covered in old egg just behind the back wheel of my car. Don't worry. I've picked it all up and will post it all through your letterbox while you're at work, Steve at number 27. You're welcome.
It turns out that the possum is an adorable little munchkin who lives down under. The opossum is the yang to the Australian yin - the least adorable little rat-faced fuck I have ever seen in real life. Look at him. LOOK! His long pointy, freaky little face. Imagine a cat-sized rat. Urgh.
I was kinda hoping to see a raccoon or a bandicoot or a jackalope* (whatevs - we didn't learn much about North American wildlife in my school). I see them as akin to the fox or the badger - scruffy and cute from afar (though don't ever piss off a badger. They are mean. MEAN!!) See, these are like the little fellas that lived in our garden in London.
And they have the courtesy to scarper as soon as you come within 30 feet, so you never really have to deal with their nasty side.**
I literally never want to see one of these fuckers' on a bad day:
 |
| http://www.nps.gov/prsf/naturescience/virginia-opossum.htm |
* A little nod to any cryptozoology fans. Fun fact - the jackalope is a mythical antelope/jackrabbit hybrid that apparently roamed the American planes. Sightings of rabbits with 'antlers' have been recorded for centuries, and biologists now attribute these to the shope papilloma virus. Seriously, google some pics. Gross.
** I paint these little critters in a very positive light, despite the fact that they scream in the night like kidnapped babies, and tear the shit out of any rubbish bags you leave outside. The second of these habits can be forgiven though, because if this happens to you once and you are scraping old KFC from your driveway then you don't do it again. You buy a wheelie bin, or put your rubbish out on the morning of bin day. Don't you? Seriously?? Am I picking up your fucking rubbish off my driveway again, moron?? I know who you are - the fox has handily left some of your junk mail covered in old egg just behind the back wheel of my car. Don't worry. I've picked it all up and will post it all through your letterbox while you're at work, Steve at number 27. You're welcome.
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