How not to look like a tight git

I don't want to look like one of those losers who can't wipe their ares without an iPhone app, but I am, so its hard.

Maths isn't my strong point and the tipping culture in the States (aside form being fundamentally ridiculous - if the tag says $50, why have I just paid $56. I know you want to be able to fluctuate the rate according to the economic status of the country, but, no-one has a clue how much their paying til they get to the checkout?!) was a challenge, especially with all the urban legends of waiters chasing tightwad tourists down the road.

So, my tip-calclator app was spot on. I think 17% may have been a little generous (even though thats what the bloggers said) but 'Mandy' said that I'd 'seen her and her daughter right', so I've done my bit for the American economy. You're welcome.

Travel winge 5

Today I am annoyed by - being followed round a shop

Whether its the quiet suspicion of the security guards in Kuala Lumpur airport or the desperate animatedness of the 'sales hosts' in the States I am not used to being tracked as I shop. I can feel pretty self-conscious as it is without someone monitoring my every move. SOD OFF. I am not going to steal/buy any of your crap (respectively) so you can go and track that old lady over there. I think she put something in her sholly and is shuffling towards the exit.

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Massive check-in queues, part 2

I generally get it in shops, admittedly, but I've recently had it 3 times at airports. It drives me crazy when someone who's serving you doesn't stop their conversation and make eye-contact (not in the creepy, 'you like robot-wars', way the bint in Costa looks at me - if she didnt look so vacuous I'd think she was taking the p*ss). The last 2 times it's been in a stationary shop at Gatwick (she couldn't even be arsed to tell me how much my copy of Glamour and bag of snack-a-jacks was going to cost me) and, even worse, at a transit desk! Not like its stressful enough entrusting the safe passage of both my luggage and (more importanty) my personage to this fudge-head, but in the midst of a chaotic smear of people at the transit desk he spots his chum from flight school and hops out from behind the desk to give him a hug! Pay attention! When you're on the phone to your bank they don't pause mid-transaction to make a cup of tea for their pregnant colleague who's just popped in from maternity leave to say hi to the old crowd? Actually, maybe they do - maybe thats what they're doing when they ask you to hold while they check something on their system and play an acoustic version of 'Hello' by Lionel Ritchie down the phone. Dammit.

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So today I am annoyed by - massive check-in queues

Seriously though; you do this everyday, right? This is your job - to get people on a plane? And yet it seems like this massive wad of people in front of you is a surprise? It drives me crazy when check-in staff can't prioritise passenger check-in according to  who's taking off first. It usually ends in a single member of staff wandering down the line asking, 'Amsterdam? Anyone for Amsterdam?' 10 minutes before the flight's due to leave! I guess thats why the big airlines have separate checkin desks for each destination - genius. As the boyf suggested to an airline accounts department recently 'why dont you have a look at how BA do it - it'll give you something to aim for.'

Would totes stay here again

I don't want to look like any more of a miserable, sarcastic git than I already do, so, to compliment the list of crap hotels, here are some of the best I've stayed in:

Traders Hotel, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: The most awesome hotel. Ever. You want a teksi? There is a ready supply waiting outside (and they'll give you a Traders card with the address of the hotel, a small map to show the cabbie on the way home where you're going and the number of the taxi you got in - just in case you leave anything behind). You want to iron your shirt at 2am ready for the next morning? The iron and ironing board are waiting for you in the room (you dont have to call down to the night monkey at reception). You don't want to be woken up at 9am with new towels and some lady trying to make the bed with you in it? Just put the 'Do Not Disturb' buzzer on and no-one can ring on your bell, let alone come in the door (if you want them to clean the room later just dial 3 and they'll send someone up).
Everything in this place works exactly like its supposed to - they seem to have covered all the basics. Then added a bit more service. And made all their staff greet you with a smile and some polite conversation. Spot on.

Princess Barcelona: So this may be a bit of a cheat as I haven't actually stayed here, but a close friend has and I've seen the pictures and they rock. What's not to like about a room with a glass fronted bathroom  and an electric shutter than comes down to hide your modesty. Se - e - xy.

Unitas Hotel: Four star convent-cum-czech secret police prison - some world-class hotel booking if I do say so myself. Polite staff? Yes. Modern overhaul? Splendid. Very reasonable price? Of course. Right in the centre of town? Mais oui. Violent history? Do tell. DVD players in every room, and a DVD library in reception? Really? Thats a marvellous idea. Hair conditioner in the bathroom? Holy crap - that never happens - if I forget my conditioner I have to walk around with hair like straw. Two little bottles of spirits and a birthday card on arrival? What a lovely touch. Did you tip them? Of course not - I'm not made of money.

Radission, Orlando: With a spectacular view of a multi-lane carriageway and a discount gift shop in the car park I had that scary, sicky feeling of dread when we pulled up in the car park. Receptionist was mental - engaged us in a conversation about how small and disorganised the roads are in Orland (?!) but, the room was a good choice. Two massive beds with a new-fangled device that allows each bed-buddy to determine the softness of their part of the mattress. A microwave and fridge. A little seperate lounge area. An ipod dock alarm clock. Free wifi. Massive tv. 10 minute walk to any fast food you could imagine. Free cookies in the lobby. It didn't really need the free chick-lit novel that appeared outside everyone's door one morning, or the takeaway leaflets posted under the door thrice daily, but they were just added extras that made this place all the more entertaining. Hilton it was not, but it felt all big and squadgy and with a big ol' dollop of jetlag on our brain pudding it was just what we needed.

Wank-stained shit-holes. Enjoy.

In the spirit of sharing my work-related travel experiences I've compiled a list of the worst hotels I've ever stayed in.

Barcelo, Buxton, UK: A delightful combination of someone else's hair on the bathroom wall and a used condom wrapper on my floor made for a grown up game of  'floor is hot lava' where I carefully avoided touching anything in the extremities of the room lest I catch some sort of venereal disease. As my eloquent sibling asserted - "Imagine how much spunk was in the bed". Like I need reminding.

Buchanan Hotel, Glasgow, UK: The scariest night of my life. They put a young female in the skankiest room with a door that looked like it had been broken into on more than one occasion and a roof hatch (I wasnt even on the top floor!!! That hatch must have gone through to another room!!) Slept in my clothes in case I had to fend off one of the drunks outside my door if they managed to break into my room during the night.

Impiana Casuarina, Ipoh, Malaysia: HAH! Just seen the website - doesn't look anything like the place I stayed in! Unless its been thoroughly revamped in the last year its still the depressing, dark and sparse poop-sack that was way past its hey-day. Maybe, after the Traders hotel in KL I was always going to be disappointed, but it was a depressing night that was spent there. The boyf didn't want to stay in the hotel hile I went to work - even a long lie-in and some hard-core tv-time wasn't appealing.

Ibis, Valladolid, Spain: you get what you pay for. And we clearly paid pitance and then shat in the

man's hand as he handed us the receipt. That's not really fair - its ok for an ibis, but its in the middle of nowhere and somehow manages to look shabby, even though it was only built a few years ago. The views you can enjoy are either of a HUGE fuck-off motorway, or a haulage yard. In the fog (did I mention its the only part of Spain permanently shrouded in fog?). Very sweet staff who humoured me (don't know how I appear when I'm on my travels, but I always feel like people are humouring me?), and probably fine if you've got a car/meetings out of town/a desire for lorry drivers to watch you get ready in the morning.

Value Hotel, Singapore: I add this begrudingly - I thought it was fine in an expensive city/state/whatever, but my team bleated at me for nearly a whole day, so maybe I'm just too laid back. The rooms were tiny, with noodle-thin walls (thats not racist, its just true), and there was no wardrobe, unless you were lucky enough to have a thin cupboard under the tv that could fit 2 small t-shirts from Muji and thats it. BUT, it did have broadband in all rooms, a big tv, a big double bed and was within a short bus ride of the city centre. The thing that really got 'em wingeing was the shower-cum-toilet. I actually laughed when I realised that I could handle my bathroom biz and have a shower at the same time! There's wet rooms, and then there are toilet cubicles with a shower head in them. This was the latter. I LMAO-ed. Especially when my Malaysian colleague said "you're in Asia now, we don't waste time". No time to spare, not even for a poo. 

Swiss Garden, Malaysia: 'Spa hotel'? Maybe when it was first built in the late 70s. If you squint it

actually looks really nice, and a bit exotic, but then your vision clears and you realise that you are in the middle of a sad memory of past glory. Free flip-flops do not make up for the fact that the receptionist undercharged me as I checked out and then tried to fix the problem by charging my colleague for their mistake as he checked out! I ended up having to return to the hotel and settle up with them Lots of 'Sorry m'am' but I was not impressed.

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No wifi, really? In this century?

If Apple can create a portable wireless router I'm pretty sure every hotel should be able to manage a router on each floor? Or at least in reception? I'm in two minds whether to march down to reception at 2am in my jimjams and take the broadband cable from their PC and jam it into my laptop. "Stop watching porn, you little twatlet - I need to send a FRICKIN EMAIL!" I'm actually not sure what annoys me more - no wifi, or paid for wifi. Boingo? Bollocks.