Wank-stained shit-holes. Enjoy.

In the spirit of sharing my work-related travel experiences I've compiled a list of the worst hotels I've ever stayed in.

Barcelo, Buxton, UK: A delightful combination of someone else's hair on the bathroom wall and a used condom wrapper on my floor made for a grown up game of  'floor is hot lava' where I carefully avoided touching anything in the extremities of the room lest I catch some sort of venereal disease. As my eloquent sibling asserted - "Imagine how much spunk was in the bed". Like I need reminding.

Buchanan Hotel, Glasgow, UK: The scariest night of my life. They put a young female in the skankiest room with a door that looked like it had been broken into on more than one occasion and a roof hatch (I wasnt even on the top floor!!! That hatch must have gone through to another room!!) Slept in my clothes in case I had to fend off one of the drunks outside my door if they managed to break into my room during the night.

Impiana Casuarina, Ipoh, Malaysia: HAH! Just seen the website - doesn't look anything like the place I stayed in! Unless its been thoroughly revamped in the last year its still the depressing, dark and sparse poop-sack that was way past its hey-day. Maybe, after the Traders hotel in KL I was always going to be disappointed, but it was a depressing night that was spent there. The boyf didn't want to stay in the hotel hile I went to work - even a long lie-in and some hard-core tv-time wasn't appealing.

Ibis, Valladolid, Spain: you get what you pay for. And we clearly paid pitance and then shat in the

man's hand as he handed us the receipt. That's not really fair - its ok for an ibis, but its in the middle of nowhere and somehow manages to look shabby, even though it was only built a few years ago. The views you can enjoy are either of a HUGE fuck-off motorway, or a haulage yard. In the fog (did I mention its the only part of Spain permanently shrouded in fog?). Very sweet staff who humoured me (don't know how I appear when I'm on my travels, but I always feel like people are humouring me?), and probably fine if you've got a car/meetings out of town/a desire for lorry drivers to watch you get ready in the morning.

Value Hotel, Singapore: I add this begrudingly - I thought it was fine in an expensive city/state/whatever, but my team bleated at me for nearly a whole day, so maybe I'm just too laid back. The rooms were tiny, with noodle-thin walls (thats not racist, its just true), and there was no wardrobe, unless you were lucky enough to have a thin cupboard under the tv that could fit 2 small t-shirts from Muji and thats it. BUT, it did have broadband in all rooms, a big tv, a big double bed and was within a short bus ride of the city centre. The thing that really got 'em wingeing was the shower-cum-toilet. I actually laughed when I realised that I could handle my bathroom biz and have a shower at the same time! There's wet rooms, and then there are toilet cubicles with a shower head in them. This was the latter. I LMAO-ed. Especially when my Malaysian colleague said "you're in Asia now, we don't waste time". No time to spare, not even for a poo. 

Swiss Garden, Malaysia: 'Spa hotel'? Maybe when it was first built in the late 70s. If you squint it

actually looks really nice, and a bit exotic, but then your vision clears and you realise that you are in the middle of a sad memory of past glory. Free flip-flops do not make up for the fact that the receptionist undercharged me as I checked out and then tried to fix the problem by charging my colleague for their mistake as he checked out! I ended up having to return to the hotel and settle up with them Lots of 'Sorry m'am' but I was not impressed.