The social implications of getting the bird shit of me car

So after an amazing weekend in the Mountains the brand new car is now covered in so much debris that the man in the DMV actually asked me if I drove it all the way from the UK. This is the same guy who looked incredulously at my drivers license photo and asked if I'd lost weight in the last fortnight, which may have been a compliment, but the horror with which he looked at the photo diminished the pleasure of the compliment somewhat.

 
Anyhoo, noted. The car does need a wash, and I want to whip it through a lovely automated car wash with big rollers and lots of suds. But wait, all the car washes I see have got either space for me to wash it myself for about $5, or want me to pay a group of youths $20+ to wash it for me. Nope. And nope.

In the UK I had a bit of a 'thing' about taking my car to have it cleaned by someone else. It was normally someone from eastern Europe who was being paid less than minimum wage to wipe the shit off my car. And that just didn't feel right. I am sitting there watching some guys do a job that I am too 'busy' (lazy) to do myself and I am rich enough to get them to do it for me. "But he's in gainful employment and by automating his job you are taking money away from his family" - congratulations to him on the entrepreneurial spirit, I don't feel like having this debate right now.

So here in the US I feel exactly the same. I can't wash the car myself for free because its in a public lot, and I begrudge paying for the privilege to clean it myself for the same price as a basic automated wash in the UK. Also, I'm not MADE of money - paying a group of lads (or men, the same age as my dad) to wash my car is a heck of alot more expensive here, and I still have the same awkward social issues - watching some guys do something that I am effectively too lazy to do, but I am rich enough to make them do it for me. I don't have ridiculous social issues like this with any other service. Fast food? I can't make food that quickly or cheaply (or yummily), so I'm paying them to do something I can't do. Also, I've worked in fast food places, and been paid minimum wage, and its ok. Supermarket checkout? I use the self service. Gas? I pump it myself.

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And before you say 'automation deprives people of jobs', yeah, ok, I know. Lets not get into a debate about that because we'll end up falling out. Besides - I don't pretend that this is a rational feeling, I just feel very weird about sitting on my throne made of money, smoking my cigar watching the minions wash my car, while I throw my spare change at them.

Bottom line - I want the anonymity of an automated car wash where I don't have to deal with my own social prejudices and hang-ups, k?

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In the interests of 'fitting in' with the locals we've tried both self-wash and 'hand wash' (I don't really
want to try the automated car washes - Yelp reviews for all of them are horrendous and I am as yet unsure whether its because California residents don't understand how to use car washes, or because local business owners are unscrupulous and don't maintain their equipment properly).

My foray into a self-car wash was successful in that I found one with very good reviews, collected together enough quarters to feed the machine, headed over and sudded my car for a full 5 minutes for $4. If I was slightly quicker and the car was a bit less dirty that would have been ideal. Also, as everyone knows, playing with a power washer is actually way more fun than it should be. And time is one thing that I currently have plenty of.

All of that said, I actually did a pretty average job - I was too excited by the pressure washer and full of adrenaline from the 5 minute countdown, so we decided to try one of the 'hand wash' places. It was busy (a good sign) and the chaps were friendly enough. We had a mince around the nearby shopping centre and 20 minutes/$17.99 later our car was pretty flipping clean inside and out. Add the $5 tip and its still not bad value.

As a Brit I still prefer to bimble through life anonymously, not having to engage with too many people, so I love the self-service stuff, but if I'm living here I should really embrace the culture. If you need me I'll be in my pickup, wearing a cowboy hat, telling a small Latin American boy that he's missed a spot. Rest assured, I will be FEELING VERY VERY AWKWARD.

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