You know my feelings on driving in this part of the Bay Area. Seriously - its like these people are experiencing other road users for the first time. There's no point getting mad when someone cuts you up or doesn't indicate because you can toot your horn and scream as much as you want, they are completely unaware of you*. What it means is that you have to drive defensively, like you expect a runaway pickup to plough through the stationary traffic at any time. Thats one of the reasons people take so fucking long to get off the line on a green light. That, and the fact that they are FUCKING OBLIVIOUS.
Anyway, you would think that with all this in mind they would teach you a bit of defensive driving before you're allowed out on your own. Not so. The practical driving test took a mere 20 minutes, and I could take the written test as many times as I needed to in order to pass. Wow. The funniest thing for me was that I had to take the test in my own car. So I drove my car to the DMV, took the test and, if I had failed, I would have driven it home again. Um, what? If I am unsafe on the road I probably shouldn't be driving my fucking car anywhere??
Anyhow, the DMV itself is a sight to behold. I have no idea where rich, posh people go to get their license, because they certainly didn't make an appearance at any time while I was there. The dregs of society seem to gather early - they have obviously been stung by excessive lines before. Book yourself an appointment online, and even then you sound expect to wait, because its not an appointment, more of a timeslot that you share with a shit ton of other losers.
So, you turn up for your 9am appointment, along with everyone else with a 9am appointment and stand in the first queue (its a 'queue', goddammit. A 'line' is what connects a dot-to-dot or what skanks do in the toilet). You had BETTER have the right forms filled in. If you don't, then you'll get the forms and be told to fill them in and go stand in another line. There could be up to 50 separate lines at any one time (I'm kidding. But only a bit), and there are 100 little booths that you can be sent to that do different jobs. There's a queue for your photo, a queue for taking the written test, a queue for submitting your written test, a queue for submitting each individual form. Bring your iPad - you;ll need it to pass the time AND to block out constant noise. Who the fuck brings their entire family to the fucking DMV?? This isn't the movies.
I did have a nice moment where the man marking my written test (YES - they have people actually marking your written test with a red pen. WTF. Would a computer not be efficient/cheaper/less fallible? Could my tax dollars not be put to better use?) had to tell the chinese man in front of me that his wife couldn't help him with the written test. Three times. THREE TIMES. He then looked at me and rolled his eyes. Nice moment. The test itself was hard, in that it contains situations that aren't specifically dealt with in the highway code, which is a good thing. The need to be able to quote the acceptable blood alcohol levels are less useful - I have no idea what my blood alcohol level is at any given moment - it would be more useful to make me quote the alcohol content of drinks, or just to make it clear that no alcohol is the best policy when driving. Could this be contributing to the fact that drink driving here is way more socially acceptable than in the UK? Feel free to get indignant about it - its true.
So, after a significant amount of time and lots of surly DMV workers (why so mad, bro?) I got my license in the post, which is a lovely feeling. Its a bit disconcerting that you have to list your weight, height, eye color and whether you need to wear glasses while driving actually on your license. I had no idea what I weighed, or my exact height, and the DMV didn't have a measuring tool or scales, so I had to guess, otherwise I'd have to come back when I had these arbitrary numbers. Lets hope I don't get stopped by the po-po, otherwise I'll probably have to explain my sudden growth spurt and weight loss. And change in eye color.
* Not entirely true. I accidentally pulled out in front of a man who was speeding because I misjudged
his excessive speed. I swore. He swerved in front of me and jammed on his brakes so hard my fucking life flashed before my eyes. Twice. Like he wanted to kill me. I screamed at him that he was a fucking arsehole and he came back with a witty "I think YOU'RE the arsehole". I have wished death upon him every day since then, though everyone else has told me that I shouldn't have reacted because he was clearly unhinged and irresponsible and could have pulled a gun on me. They are right, I am wrong. Don't react to fuckwit drivers.
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