Get your shit together, Cal

You know that episode of Family Guy where it starts off with Peter being a pirate and then does a massive 180 and its ACTUALLY about Chris getting a girlfriend? Well, thats called a halfway plot switch and its a real-life, proper storytelling trope. No foolin'. Its funny because of the misdirection, and its even funnier when it is self-referential.

Want to know when its not funny? When its in an advert.

Its utterly fucking exhausting. I have no idea why certain ads feel like they need to build you up to the actual money shot. Most of them start out like this:

"This time of year is all about spending time with loved ones."

Aw, so I'm going to guess that this advert is about something squishy, or buying presents. Either way its deffo got a Chrimbo vibe.

"So why waste time in the kitchen?"

Ok, ok, I see where this is going - it'll be a fast food advert. Why waste time in the kitchen when you can order takeaway and hang with the fam. Nice.

"Especially when you you've got so many other things to do! Like getting fit for the Christmas party!"

Unexpected, but ok. Aimed at busy moms who want to get fit, and fast! They'll be wheeling out an ex-fatty-boom-boom in a minute to tell me that she got fit and fabulous by spending just 20 minutes a day watching a DVD.

"And the last thing you want to be worrying about is your moderate to sever psoriasis."

Oh, I see - make me feel at ease by describing all the things I've got to think about and then dig deep into my insecurities to show that you understand me, the consumer, and the fact that I've got so much on my plate I've not been able to deal with an underlying medical problem. Wow, TV, you really do 'get' me.

"Especially when you could meet the man of your dreams online!"

Again, unexpected. Its taken a few twists and turns, but this ad must be for a dating website.

*sad music* "But others aren't so fortunate."

Ok, what the fuck? Where are we going now? Is that a picture of a kid with Cancer? Why did I need the fucking build-up? If this is an ad for a charity then focus on the important stuff. Not my fucking psoriasis.

"Thats why, when you buy a Mazda this holiday season we'll give $300 to a local children's charity."

GTFO. I actually feel mentally abused by this nonsense. Whoever wrote the script for this ad should be pushed under a Mazda. In 2 minutes I have been misdirected and confused. I've felt sadness, happiness, and now utter fucking indifference.

I exaggerate for comic effect, but if you've seen the car ad that starts off with slo-mo images of kids with Cancer, or the Psoriasis ad that starts off with the statement 'I really want to get fit' then you understand where I'm coming from.

Want to know something even more terrifying? They use this tactic on the news too. Yep, reporters are devoting a solid 20 seconds of a 60 second story to a tedious and diversionary intro.

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"Up next, here's Cal with a story about how pigs falling out of trees is seriously affecting one community in Utah. Cal?"

"Christmas time is full of magic and wonder. Its a time of year that is all about shopping, spending time with family and ... pigs falling out of trees? For one family in Utah shopping for presents is the last thing on their minds."

Holy shit, Cal. The anchor set you up to leap straight into your shitty story. Its like neither of you were paying attention. Or maybe you have shares in the stock video library and overtime you show a stock video of people shopping in a department store you get a financial backhander?? Either that, Cal, or you're a shit reporter.