How to be less rapey

I always say that most chaps don't look very closely when on a poon hunt. If you're into tall, slim, blonde then she could look like Frankenstein's monster with titties and a wig and she'd still end up going home with someone.

That said, the Brits aren't great at acting on that initial porking instinct. We tend to need to be in a fast-moving white van, on scaffolding or drunk to actually verbalise how we feel. The alternative is that awkward exchange where someone engages in painful small talk as an obvious precursor to asking for your number or if you want to get a coffee. Srsly - if I look uncomfortable and am being evasive with my answers you are on a hiding to nothing, kiddo. You're embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. Onlookers are whispering to eachother. Nope.

Not so our white-toothed american cousins.

I've been approached twice in London in the 2 years I lived there, and both times I questioned the mental faculties of the suitor. I could also quite clearly see their plan. Make polite chat, ask for her number, have a date. There was a definite end-game that made the whole exchange uncomfortable and a bit rapey. I'm not suggesting that they weren't lovely, if somewhat misguided, chaps, its just a feeling you get when someone wants to engage with you in that way.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day 2014. Having received exactly NONE Valentines cards (its cool, I'm

married) I wasn't in a particularly gooey mood mincing round the city. Which is why it was even more surprising when two, (count 'em, TWO!) gents informed me that I was very attractive and wished me a happy Valentine's Day within the space of an hour. So, not only were they happy to tell me how they felt without the aid of booze or a speeding vehicle, they didn't seem to be expecting anything of me in return. They didn't try and engage me in feeble conversation, or suggest anything lewd ("show us yer tits, love"). It was a simple and respectful statement that made my fucking day.

And the best part is - because there was no creeping sense that they were building up to asking for my number, which I sure as hell was not going to give, I just smiled and said thank you. I wasn't embarrassed into having to politely tell them to sod off and they weren't embarrassed by being rebuffed. And if I had been interested I could have swung round and started chatting.

Gents - if you fancy a girl, just tell her. And if you simply state it without any expectation of reciprocity you'll never suffer the embarrassment of rebuffal. And the best case - she'll say she likes you too and you can start getting on with the fun stuff. Like sexing and whatnot.

Unless you're an arsehole, in which case she may tell you to sod off anyway.