Try explaining some of the things you take for granted to an American. It's different when you're in France or Malaysia struggling with an unfamiliar language, but when you have the full breadth of the English language at your finger tips go ahead and explain some standard British things. Squash. Explain squash. The pleasure of a post-boozing marmite on toast. Bonfire night. That night when we burn effigies of a Catholic terrorist on bonfires. And don't forget the bit about kids begging for cash on the street for the week leading up to that night. And then watch the faces of your new American chum fall into confusion and ultimately concern as they realise that the UK is full of pagan ritual reminiscent of The Wicker Man.
It turns out that some of the British stereotypes aren't as archaic as I may once have thought. We DO have crazy old rituals that none of us really fully comprehend, but we all look forward to. We DO relish some pretty piss-poor culinary delights - watered-down fruit juice concentrate that doesn't taste anything like the original fruit? And there is no way that an American would consider a round of toast a suitable post-drinking 'meal'.
What this has meant, though, is that I can see my culture a little more clearly. I see the flaws and the madness and the sometime-crapness that we accept as the norm. It also means that I can embrace a different and sometimes better norm (mexican food is CLEARLY better at 3am than a fucking shady kebab). And it also means that I feel closer than ever to my fellow Brits. Despite class, culture and education we are all waaaaaay more similar than we may think. Even if you don't share the same Friday night routine as someone in Brixton or Harrogate, you may well both end the night with a round of Marmite on toast with a shit ton of butter. A British upbringing has the benefit of being fairly consitent. Things you can be sure of: the Queen, Marmite on toast, Guy Fawkes night. And squash. Lovely, lovely squash.
You know that episode of Family Guy where it starts off with Peter being a pirate and then does a massive 180 and its ACTUALLY about Chris getting a girlfriend? Well, thats called a halfway plot switch and its a real-life, proper storytelling trope. No foolin'. Its funny because of the misdirection, and its even funnier when it is self-referential.
Want to know when its not funny? When its in an advert.
Its utterly fucking exhausting. I have no idea why certain ads feel like they need to build you up to the actual money shot. Most of them start out like this:
"This time of year is all about spending time with loved ones."
Aw, so I'm going to guess that this advert is about something squishy, or buying presents. Either way its deffo got a Chrimbo vibe.
"So why waste time in the kitchen?"
Ok, ok, I see where this is going - it'll be a fast food advert. Why waste time in the kitchen when you can order takeaway and hang with the fam. Nice.
"Especially when you you've got so many other things to do! Like getting fit for the Christmas party!"
Unexpected, but ok. Aimed at busy moms who want to get fit, and fast! They'll be wheeling out an ex-fatty-boom-boom in a minute to tell me that she got fit and fabulous by spending just 20 minutes a day watching a DVD. "And the last thing you want to be worrying about is your moderate to sever psoriasis."
Oh, I see - make me feel at ease by describing all the things I've got to think about and then dig deep into my insecurities to show that you understand me, the consumer, and the fact that I've got so much on my plate I've not been able to deal with an underlying medical problem. Wow, TV, you really do 'get' me.
"Especially when you could meet the man of your dreams online!"
Again, unexpected. Its taken a few twists and turns, but this ad must be for a dating website.
*sad music* "But others aren't so fortunate."
Ok, what the fuck? Where are we going now? Is that a picture of a kid with Cancer? Why did I need the fucking build-up? If this is an ad for a charity then focus on the important stuff. Not my fucking psoriasis.
"Thats why, when you buy a Mazda this holiday season we'll give $300 to a local children's charity."
GTFO. I actually feel mentally abused by this nonsense. Whoever wrote the script for this ad should be pushed under a Mazda. In 2 minutes I have been misdirected and confused. I've felt sadness, happiness, and now utter fucking indifference.
I exaggerate for comic effect, but if you've seen the car ad that starts off with slo-mo images of kids with Cancer, or the Psoriasis ad that starts off with the statement 'I really want to get fit' then you understand where I'm coming from.
Want to know something even more terrifying? They use this tactic on the news too. Yep, reporters are devoting a solid 20 seconds of a 60 second story to a tedious and diversionary intro.
"Up next, here's Cal with a story about how pigs falling out of trees is seriously affecting one community in Utah. Cal?"
"Christmas time is full of magic and wonder. Its a time of year that is all about shopping, spending time with family and ... pigs falling out of trees? For one family in Utah shopping for presents is the last thing on their minds."
Holy shit, Cal. The anchor set you up to leap straight into your shitty story. Its like neither of you were paying attention. Or maybe you have shares in the stock video library and overtime you show a stock video of people shopping in a department store you get a financial backhander?? Either that, Cal, or you're a shit reporter.
You know my feelings on driving in this part of the Bay Area. Seriously - its like these people are experiencing other road users for the first time. There's no point getting mad when someone cuts you up or doesn't indicate because you can toot your horn and scream as much as you want, they are completely unaware of you*. What it means is that you have to drive defensively, like you expect a runaway pickup to plough through the stationary traffic at any time. Thats one of the reasons people take so fucking long to get off the line on a green light. That, and the fact that they are FUCKING OBLIVIOUS.
Anyway, you would think that with all this in mind they would teach you a bit of defensive driving before you're allowed out on your own. Not so. The practical driving test took a mere 20 minutes, and I could take the written test as many times as I needed to in order to pass. Wow. The funniest thing for me was that I had to take the test in my own car. So I drove my car to the DMV, took the test and, if I had failed, I would have driven it home again. Um, what? If I am unsafe on the road I probably shouldn't be driving my fucking car anywhere??
Anyhow, the DMV itself is a sight to behold. I have no idea where rich, posh people go to get their license, because they certainly didn't make an appearance at any time while I was there. The dregs of society seem to gather early - they have obviously been stung by excessive lines before. Book yourself an appointment online, and even then you sound expect to wait, because its not an appointment, more of a timeslot that you share with a shit ton of other losers.
So, you turn up for your 9am appointment, along with everyone else with a 9am appointment and stand in the first queue (its a 'queue', goddammit. A 'line' is what connects a dot-to-dot or what skanks do in the toilet). You had BETTER have the right forms filled in. If you don't, then you'll get the forms and be told to fill them in and go stand in another line. There could be up to 50 separate lines at any one time (I'm kidding. But only a bit), and there are 100 little booths that you can be sent to that do different jobs. There's a queue for your photo, a queue for taking the written test, a queue for submitting your written test, a queue for submitting each individual form. Bring your iPad - you;ll need it to pass the time AND to block out constant noise. Who the fuck brings their entire family to the fucking DMV?? This isn't the movies.
I did have a nice moment where the man marking my written test (YES - they have people actually marking your written test with a red pen. WTF. Would a computer not be efficient/cheaper/less fallible? Could my tax dollars not be put to better use?) had to tell the chinese man in front of me that his wife couldn't help him with the written test. Three times. THREE TIMES. He then looked at me and rolled his eyes. Nice moment. The test itself was hard, in that it contains situations that aren't specifically dealt with in the highway code, which is a good thing. The need to be able to quote the acceptable blood alcohol levels are less useful - I have no idea what my blood alcohol level is at any given moment - it would be more useful to make me quote the alcohol content of drinks, or just to make it clear that no alcohol is the best policy when driving. Could this be contributing to the fact that drink driving here is way more socially acceptable than in the UK? Feel free to get indignant about it - its true.
So, after a significant amount of time and lots of surly DMV workers (why so mad, bro?) I got my license in the post, which is a lovely feeling. Its a bit disconcerting that you have to list your weight, height, eye color and whether you need to wear glasses while driving actually on your license. I had no idea what I weighed, or my exact height, and the DMV didn't have a measuring tool or scales, so I had to guess, otherwise I'd have to come back when I had these arbitrary numbers. Lets hope I don't get stopped by the po-po, otherwise I'll probably have to explain my sudden growth spurt and weight loss. And change in eye color.
* Not entirely true. I accidentally pulled out in front of a man who was speeding because I misjudged
his excessive speed. I swore. He swerved in front of me and jammed on his brakes so hard my fucking life flashed before my eyes. Twice. Like he wanted to kill me. I screamed at him that he was a fucking arsehole and he came back with a witty "I think YOU'RE the arsehole". I have wished death upon him every day since then, though everyone else has told me that I shouldn't have reacted because he was clearly unhinged and irresponsible and could have pulled a gun on me. They are right, I am wrong. Don't react to fuckwit drivers.
