We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher - Baseball for noobs

So, baseball is my new thing. An awesome friend got us some tickets to an actual San Francisco Giants game, and I am totally freakin' hooked.

I'm a Portsmouth girl, so allying oneself to a local team and supporting them with mindless (and sometimes violent) loyalty is in my blood. Seriously, don't get me started on Harry Redknapp. And I watched the SuperBowl in a Dodgers hoodie really hoping that it would sweep me up, but it left me feeling a bit meh. Being a part of a baseball game, however, has totally got me hooked. And not just 'what-a-lovely-day-to-sit-in-the-bleachers-and-eat-junk-food' hooked. The serious 'listening-to-static-on-AM-radio-in-the-car' hooked.

And I know my enthusiasm is real because I'm actually remembering the players names and numbers. My brain is pretty stubborn and if I'm not genuinely into something it won't even let me play along by remembering a few key facts that can be regurgitated in company. When I am interested, however, its like a fucking drunk at the bar, hovering up every last drop of booze and squeezing out the drip mats. This often backfires (despite not watching a single episode of Big Brother I can name every single fucking contestant and which minor celebrity they shacked up with upon leaving the BB house) and fills my brain with useless and embarrassing toot. On this occasion, however, I have already managed to impress people at the BallPark with my baseball banter.

"All we really need is Posey and Pagan."
"What about Morse? Surely we couldn't function without Beast Mode?"
"You're probably right, since he joined from the Seahawks the team have really come together. I think he's a good influence on and off the field".

There. See. Fucking sponge.

I think it really helped that I had a fantastic chum next to me explaining what was going on and when I should stand up/clap/take my hat off & whatnot. Here's a quick idiots guide:

1. If you're going to a ball game (its a game, not a match) then you'll want to sit in the bleachers. A box is fun, but you are further from the field (not pitch) and you stand no chance of catching one of the foul or practice balls.

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2. Bring a mitt or a cap to catch a ball if it comes your way. You don't stand a chance because there
are a myriad of pushy parents and snotty kids who will shove you out the way, but if you're feeling brave you can jostle the little shits out the way. Just claim you've got a terminal illness or something and the grown-ups will forgive you.

3. Don't peak too soon on the snack front - I went a little cray-cray and bought a lobster roll, garlic fries, a bucket of drink and some candy-floss before we sat down. Remember - you might be sat there for 4 hours, and the chaps will come round with snack age throughout the game, so pace yourself.

4. Bring booze. And snacks. And suntan lotion. Why the fuck not - you're allowed!!! Also, on a sunny day the UV will kick the shit out of you and you'll be the only lobster mincing out of the ballpark.

5. You have to stand for the national anthem AND take off your hat. Seriously - its exactly like off of the telly when they get some local hint to stand up and sing a warbly verse of the Land of the Free while everyone - no joke - stands with their caps dothed and their hands over their hearts. They even cheered when it got to the penultimate line.
"The land of the freeeeeeee **yeeeeeehaw!!!**...And the home of the braaaaaaave".
I have been assured that this is because the song is nearly over, but it does seem to accentuate the statement with an audible italicization and punctuate the 'land of the free' with an audible exclamation mark. Again, as I've been discovering, this is very very important in the US, for a multitude of very legitimate political and historical reasons, and me, as a fucking traitor Brit, really shouldn't take the piss.

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6. One of the anthem birds got proposed to and I cried (yeah, yeah, whatever - I'm not made of stone y'know) and everyone cheered the jumbotron (yes, its actually called that!!! I feel like I'm IN an episode of the Simpsons!!)

7. You'll make heaps of new friends. The bleachers are very intimate and everyone is chatting with everyone else. You don't HAVE to, but you kinda get caught up in the excitement of it all.

8. The game is split into 8 innings, plus the first half of a ninth inning. Each inning gives each team a chance to bat and get as many rounders...I mean runs...as they can before 3 of their players are caught out. If you have ever played rounders then you'll pick up the rules super quick. The first half of each inning is called 'the top' and the second half 'the bottom', meaning you'll be able to exclaim with confidence that "its the top of the seventh and no fucker has scored a dickie bird". The ninth inning gives the visiting team a chance in the first half, and if the home team are still in the lead at the end of the first half then the game is over. If the home team are tied then they get a chance to play in the second half of the ninth. More innings are added if the score is still tied.

9. The game can be a bit slow, and no-one scored anything for at least 2 hours, so to keep the crowd excited they played the organ music/the flappy bit at the start of 'Carwash'/theme songs for some of the batsmen. There wasn't any chanting though, which was weird. Then I remembered that we're in the US, not the UK. You are unlikely to find the home crowd casting aspersions about the sexual preferences of the visiting pitcher, or chanting in their thousands that the star player is a twat. There was a bit of booing when the opposition coach threw a tanty and kicked up the dust in a petulant strop, but apart from that its all very positive and hi-fivey.

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10. Some of the players have very nice physiques. I'm just saying. Its pretty obvious who the heart
throbs are, and one can enjoy their tight white trousers.

11. Some of the players DO NOT have nice physiques and look like they have just stepped out of KFC to wheeze onto the field.

12. When the home team started to pull their finger out and score some runs towards the end of the seventh inning the crowd went ape shit and it was SO FREAKIN' EXCITING!! Seriously - I found myself jumping up with everyone else and whooping and cheering. Very tribal and soooooo much fun.

13. Brand is key. Each of the players has a 'thing' that helps support their personal brand off the field, and sells merch. Michael Mores has 'Beast Mode' (and a deal with a clothing company), Pablo Sandoval is nicknamed the Panda, and you can buy corresponding panda hats in the dugout shop and Angel Pagan salutes whenever he gets on the field, supporting the troops and whatnot. The cynic in me thinks its all carefully crafted to maximize potential earnings, but the romantic in me thinks that they are all a thoroughly bloody nice bunch of chaps just having fun and enjoying their jobs.

14. At the end of the game everyone files out in an orderly and sensible fashion and gets on their public transport mode of choice and fucks off home. WHAT?? No drunken brawls? No chanting down the road?? No bowling into the nearest boozer to get tanked up tip closing time? Apparently not. I appreciate this is only one game, but my research suggests that baseball fans are pretty well behaved.

I'm still reading up on the rules, because, although it IS basically rounders there are some extras they've introduced to keep things fair and above board, but you don't really need to know because your fellow game-goers will drag you along and you'll know when to cheer and when to be indignant and when to nibble your churro nervously while the dudes in black watch the playback on a tiny video screen and decide whether your prized-batter is in or out.

It really was sooooo much fun and it felt like a rite of passage. Try and leave your cynical British trousers at home and put on your Giants baseball cap and you'll be swept along in a tidal wave of true americanism.

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