Would totes stay here again

I don't want to look like any more of a miserable, sarcastic git than I already do, so, to compliment the list of crap hotels, here are some of the best I've stayed in:

Traders Hotel, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia: The most awesome hotel. Ever. You want a teksi? There is a ready supply waiting outside (and they'll give you a Traders card with the address of the hotel, a small map to show the cabbie on the way home where you're going and the number of the taxi you got in - just in case you leave anything behind). You want to iron your shirt at 2am ready for the next morning? The iron and ironing board are waiting for you in the room (you dont have to call down to the night monkey at reception). You don't want to be woken up at 9am with new towels and some lady trying to make the bed with you in it? Just put the 'Do Not Disturb' buzzer on and no-one can ring on your bell, let alone come in the door (if you want them to clean the room later just dial 3 and they'll send someone up).
Everything in this place works exactly like its supposed to - they seem to have covered all the basics. Then added a bit more service. And made all their staff greet you with a smile and some polite conversation. Spot on.

Princess Barcelona: So this may be a bit of a cheat as I haven't actually stayed here, but a close friend has and I've seen the pictures and they rock. What's not to like about a room with a glass fronted bathroom  and an electric shutter than comes down to hide your modesty. Se - e - xy.

Unitas Hotel: Four star convent-cum-czech secret police prison - some world-class hotel booking if I do say so myself. Polite staff? Yes. Modern overhaul? Splendid. Very reasonable price? Of course. Right in the centre of town? Mais oui. Violent history? Do tell. DVD players in every room, and a DVD library in reception? Really? Thats a marvellous idea. Hair conditioner in the bathroom? Holy crap - that never happens - if I forget my conditioner I have to walk around with hair like straw. Two little bottles of spirits and a birthday card on arrival? What a lovely touch. Did you tip them? Of course not - I'm not made of money.

Radission, Orlando: With a spectacular view of a multi-lane carriageway and a discount gift shop in the car park I had that scary, sicky feeling of dread when we pulled up in the car park. Receptionist was mental - engaged us in a conversation about how small and disorganised the roads are in Orland (?!) but, the room was a good choice. Two massive beds with a new-fangled device that allows each bed-buddy to determine the softness of their part of the mattress. A microwave and fridge. A little seperate lounge area. An ipod dock alarm clock. Free wifi. Massive tv. 10 minute walk to any fast food you could imagine. Free cookies in the lobby. It didn't really need the free chick-lit novel that appeared outside everyone's door one morning, or the takeaway leaflets posted under the door thrice daily, but they were just added extras that made this place all the more entertaining. Hilton it was not, but it felt all big and squadgy and with a big ol' dollop of jetlag on our brain pudding it was just what we needed.

Wank-stained shit-holes. Enjoy.

In the spirit of sharing my work-related travel experiences I've compiled a list of the worst hotels I've ever stayed in.

Barcelo, Buxton, UK: A delightful combination of someone else's hair on the bathroom wall and a used condom wrapper on my floor made for a grown up game of  'floor is hot lava' where I carefully avoided touching anything in the extremities of the room lest I catch some sort of venereal disease. As my eloquent sibling asserted - "Imagine how much spunk was in the bed". Like I need reminding.

Buchanan Hotel, Glasgow, UK: The scariest night of my life. They put a young female in the skankiest room with a door that looked like it had been broken into on more than one occasion and a roof hatch (I wasnt even on the top floor!!! That hatch must have gone through to another room!!) Slept in my clothes in case I had to fend off one of the drunks outside my door if they managed to break into my room during the night.

Impiana Casuarina, Ipoh, Malaysia: HAH! Just seen the website - doesn't look anything like the place I stayed in! Unless its been thoroughly revamped in the last year its still the depressing, dark and sparse poop-sack that was way past its hey-day. Maybe, after the Traders hotel in KL I was always going to be disappointed, but it was a depressing night that was spent there. The boyf didn't want to stay in the hotel hile I went to work - even a long lie-in and some hard-core tv-time wasn't appealing.

Ibis, Valladolid, Spain: you get what you pay for. And we clearly paid pitance and then shat in the

man's hand as he handed us the receipt. That's not really fair - its ok for an ibis, but its in the middle of nowhere and somehow manages to look shabby, even though it was only built a few years ago. The views you can enjoy are either of a HUGE fuck-off motorway, or a haulage yard. In the fog (did I mention its the only part of Spain permanently shrouded in fog?). Very sweet staff who humoured me (don't know how I appear when I'm on my travels, but I always feel like people are humouring me?), and probably fine if you've got a car/meetings out of town/a desire for lorry drivers to watch you get ready in the morning.

Value Hotel, Singapore: I add this begrudingly - I thought it was fine in an expensive city/state/whatever, but my team bleated at me for nearly a whole day, so maybe I'm just too laid back. The rooms were tiny, with noodle-thin walls (thats not racist, its just true), and there was no wardrobe, unless you were lucky enough to have a thin cupboard under the tv that could fit 2 small t-shirts from Muji and thats it. BUT, it did have broadband in all rooms, a big tv, a big double bed and was within a short bus ride of the city centre. The thing that really got 'em wingeing was the shower-cum-toilet. I actually laughed when I realised that I could handle my bathroom biz and have a shower at the same time! There's wet rooms, and then there are toilet cubicles with a shower head in them. This was the latter. I LMAO-ed. Especially when my Malaysian colleague said "you're in Asia now, we don't waste time". No time to spare, not even for a poo. 

Swiss Garden, Malaysia: 'Spa hotel'? Maybe when it was first built in the late 70s. If you squint it

actually looks really nice, and a bit exotic, but then your vision clears and you realise that you are in the middle of a sad memory of past glory. Free flip-flops do not make up for the fact that the receptionist undercharged me as I checked out and then tried to fix the problem by charging my colleague for their mistake as he checked out! I ended up having to return to the hotel and settle up with them Lots of 'Sorry m'am' but I was not impressed.