Y u no speak english?

My UK mates keep asking "have you started saying 'trash' instead of 'rubbish' or 'faucet' instead of 'tap'?" The answer is yes, but only because no-one understands when I speak english.

To be fair, its less about the words that I use and more about the way I say stuff. The first thing to learn is to speak loudly and annunciate. Its no good mumbling - you've got a weird accent, so speak clearly and cut the poor bastards a bit of slack.

If your name ends in a consonant, great! pronounce the crap out of it so they know you've finished the word. If it doesn't, then you'll have to work extra hard. Joe becomes Joe-w. Amelia becomes Amelia-r. Just sayin'. On the plus side - if your name is a bit weird, but spelled phonetically they will nail it every time. Brits cannot read phonetically - just say-what-you-see people, channel Mr Chips!

The second lesson is to cut out the waffle, including 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry'. Stop it. They are expecting you to order, not politely enquire if you might be so bold as to request that they craft you a vanilla latte. The correct statement is "Can I get a vanilla latte?"

And to all the old farts who's arseholes have just tightened up at the sound of 'can I get' (numero uno in this UK article listing annoying Americanisms) - get over it. The English language is constantly evolving and if you hate it that much, why in the hell are you standing in line at Starbucks anyway? Go to a privately-owned coffee establishment rather than an America-owned franchise.


Lesson three is specifically for take-away food. When reading your address over the phone you'll need to know how they expect to hear addresses.

So, 3250 S Benton Blvd becomes 'thirty-two fifty South Benton Boulevard'. And I know that sounds a bit anal, but any other verbalisation will confuse them.

'Three, Two, Five, Zero'. No.
'Three thousand, two hundred and fifty'. Nope.
'Three thousand, two hundred, fifty'. I like that you're trying to sound American by dropping the 'and'. But still nope.

And if its only 3 digits then its the same principal, so flat 920 become 'apartment nine twenty'. Believe me - if you actually want the pizza delivered to the right address this is important!

The one thing that I've not had trouble with is the colloquialisms and swearing. I thought both would cause me some trouble, but all they've caused is hilarity. There is nothing more pleasing than watching an American crease up when you call shenanigans on their story with a well-placed "bollocks". Although, beware that 'for fuck's sake' is apparently much less jovially received than in the UK. And if you hear it in an American accent you can understand why - it sounds waaaay more aggressive. 

If none of this works and you are still getting the wrong coffee order under the name 'Screep' instead of 'Steve', try speaking spanish.